Confessions, October

If you’re new here, confession day works like this: I make an ass out of myself admitting to dumb shit, and then you add your own in the comments, and we all have a big laugh.

Let’s do this.  By the way, the first one is so embarrassing, so I’m just going to go ahead and get it over with.  Let’s rip the band aid off.

1) When we took our childbirth classes (Bradley Method), they emphasized kegels.  Thousands, and thousands of kegels.  I swear I did them in my sleep.  As a result, I had a pelvic wall of steel by the time Jack was born.

But…before we took those classes in my third trimester, I had a wee bit of what you might call “a puking problem”.  Puking pretty much defined my life from 8-22 weeks of pregnancy.  And some times when you puke really hard, a wee little bit of pee comes out.  So, one day, when we were still in Los Angeles, I was driving to get a pedicure (this place is amazing, super clean, has FREE parking, is in a great neighborhood, and I used to get pedicures next to celebrities for $25), and I puked in my car.  I had a bucket, so I didn’t puke all over the place, but while I was puking, I peed a little bit.

Knowing that when you’re sitting in a pedicure chair, your crotch is in near proximity to the lovely person doing your toes, I did the only thing I could think of.  I used my organic mint essential spray hand sanitizer, and spritzed my crotchal region.

I know you know where this is going, and I can’t believe I didn’t see it coming.  About 20 minutes in to the pedicure, my crotch was on FIRE.  I could barely get through the massage, and was begging them to just paint my toes already.

2) We have a slider off of our kitchen that takes you to our deck.  We keep our recycling bin right outside of the door.  We put stuff in there about 15 times a day.  I’m embarrassed to admit that at least four times a week, I forget that the screen door was closed and then the slider door was closed, and I run my face right in to the closed screen door.  I mean, you’d think by now, I’d figure out to LOOK to see if the screen door is between my face and the recycling bin.

3) If you are insane enough to let a child read my blog, please turn them away from it now…

My sister works with our town’s local Santa.  She is going to tell let Santa know a few specific items about Jack and my nephew, so that this year when we go, they’ll think he is truly watching them all year.  It helped one of her friend’s kids believe for a few extra years than normal.

4) Middle age male softball players confound me.  They play with so much aggression, and act like they are truly trying out for the World Series.  They just take it so seriously.

5) The mirror in the women’s bathroom at our church is incredibly flattering.  It shaves at least 1-2 pounds off of my thighs.  Even if I don’t have to pee, I find an excuse to go in to the bathroom at least once while we’re at church.  It’s a lovely way to start to start my week.

6) I have unsubscribed from the Martha Stewart email newsletters probably 15 times, and for some reason, that woman still has me on her list and I get a daily email.

Martha Stewart, your “unsubscribe” button is not a GOOD THING.

7) Our school district has all-day kindergarten that you can pay for, or free half-day kinder.  The full-day option is about 15% of what I paid for daycare/preschool, so it was a no-brainer for me.  Due to Troy and my work schedules, we’re usually able to take and drop Jack off at school one to three times a week.  The other days, Jack is at before and after school care at a daycare center.  He catches the bus to and from daycare.  He LOVES riding the bus.

I was talking to a parent at a school event, and her son was in kindergarten too.  I asked her if her son was in all-day, or half-day, and she said “half-day of course”, like all-day was a dirty word.  Then she found out that Jack rode the bus, and I think she puked in her mouth a little bit in horror.  I wanted to say “it’s a 15 minute bus ride, and an extra 2.5 hours of school lady.  It’s not a North Korean death camp”.  Sheesh!

8) After five years of taking Jack to daycare, and then backtracking and going to work, I am LOVING my solo commute.  It was nice to have Jack with me (and the carpool lane buddy aspect was amazing), but in our current life situation, my alone time is pretty limited.  Having an hour to listen to my audiobooks (library for the win), and not have to talk about Nerf guns is pure bliss.

9) I think that the snooze alarm is the dumbest ever invention.  The idea of being woken up, and then being woken up again nine minutes later is torturous.  It’s really just a horrible idea.

That being said, I’m happy to leave the house five minutes early, just so I can sit in the parking lot at work before having to go in.

10) One day, at my parent’s house, Jack had to pee, but Troy was already in the bathroom.  Jack bounded in, and then I heard Troy say “want to sword fight”?  I d this term before, but clearly never understood it.

After they came out, I was mentioning something about sword fighting in public bathrooms, and was that weird doing it in front of people?

Troy and my brother-in-law Brian kind of looked at me like I was growing a second head.  I believe it was Troy who slowly said “what exactly do you think sword fighting is”?

I started by saying “it’s when dudes use their dongs as swords, right”, while my sister nodded her head in agreement.

The look on their faces should have been captured to be placed in a time capsule, so that in 300 years, men would know how absolutely clueless women are about what goes on in a mens bathroom.

Troy said (very slowly, like he was talking to an extremely stupid person), “you mean to say, you women think we go in to bathrooms and hit each other with our dicks”?!?!?!?!

And it’s true, it is what I thought was going on, and based on my sister’s expression, she was also not clued in on the real situation.

Just to avoid anyone else in having to be in our shoes and feeling very clueless about sword fighting…sword fighting is when people of the male persuasion use their pee stream to “sword fight” in the communal urinal.  Troy is sitting next to me right now making sure I emphasize that you all know that males are AT LEAST one foot apart from each other at all times when doing this.  And he says there is a cut off age at about 10 years old.

Yeah, cause that’s less weird?

Your turn!!