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Underneath it All

I received an email last week after my confession posts, where a (now former) reader said that by saying I wanted to push Kanye West off a cliff, slap Justin Bieber, and cut Miley Cyrus’ tongue off, I was basically committing cyber bullying.

We had a great back and forth discussion that was extremely civil and I think we both learned a lot.  In the end, she chose to no longer be a reader, and in the end, I remain committed to the idea that anyone who has a) read my blog for any length of time would know I was just being sarcastic b) no child on earth should be reading my blog and c) I have to stay true to myself.  The rest of this post was just inspired by the exchange, but in no way am I disparaging the woman who took the time to email me.  She was standing up for what she felt was right, and I have to respect that.

In one of the email exchanges, she indicated disbelief that I would use aggressive language like that in real life, or if given the chance if I would say those things to the people’s faces.

Here’s the thing, I would.

Well, I would only say it to Kanye if there were armed guards around.  I’ve seen what he has been doing to photographers lately!

Over the years, I’ve gotten a few such emails as the one I described above.  I’m lucky in that they’ve all been super civil, never cruel, but all basically saying the same thing “you need to consider the (fill in the blank) population when you are writing”.

Let me tell you what.  If you ask anyone who really knows me in real life, my writing is exactly how I talk.  Most of the time, really stupid shit comes out of my mouth, but all my true friends know that when something dumb comes out, it is meant to a) be funny b) fill in the dead air when something sad has happened and I have NO idea what to say.

So, to accuse me of presenting a false version of who I am, well that is just beetle headed.  And I’d say that to your face if we were in real life.

In real life, I am a really weird and complicated person.  In real life, I would do anything to put a smile on your face when you are stressed out or sad.  In real life, the shit that comes out of my mouth is just as dumb as the shit you read here.

In my real life, I almost never see my husband.  In real life, my only choice is to allow this bullshit lifestyle we live to continue on, or know that he is fucking miserable at a normal job for the rest of his life.  When faced with that situation, I don’t have any good choices, so I chose the one that causes me to die inside a little each day because my life isn’t anything like I thought it would be.

As a result, the one constant my son has in his life is me.  It is me who wakes him up, feeds him, bathes him, and puts him to bed EVERY NIGHT.  I don’t get to go to the gym, or go out with friends, join a book club, or do anything that requires me to attend regularly like a weeknight church group etc.  I’m out of choices in that regard.

The ONE fucking choice it seems like I have left is to write what the fuck I what, when I fucking want to.

Just like you have the choice to read it or not.  I’m not in any way saying that you can’t email me and tell me that something I said didn’t sit well with you, but just understand that before you hit send, I’m going to link you back to this post.  It’s not that I don’t want to engage with you and email back and forth, it’s just that if I were to write how you seem to want me to write, I’d be presenting a false version of me.

In my three years of writing, what I’ve found is that no one (really) wants to read a blog by someone who acts perfect, seems to never have mini breakdowns, or they can’t relate to.  There are plenty of blogs out there for you to read if you’d like any of the above, but let me tell you – they’re written by fucking liars.

As humans, we’re complicated as hell.  I don’t doubt that at some point something I will say will get stuck in your craw,  It’s gonna happen, so just know in advance that I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I’m not a robot.  I make mistakes and stuff like that.  We all do.

I have absolutely no idea what this post is actually about. It’s a brain dump. Written diarrhea. Just trying to get everything out that is floating around in my head and keeping me from sleeping.  Who the hell knows.

I’m going to sleep now.

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98 comments on “Underneath it All”

  1. You go girl! Personally, I don’t like the cussing/swearing, but hey, that’s me. I have the choice to continue or not in your company. “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a #$%&.” I’m not deleting the bookmark I have to your page. You make me feel like I might not be the only one who doesn’t have it all perfect. Thanks.

  2. you lose one but now you just gain one. I love that you use the F-bomb 😉 I am going to stick around.

  3. Love it. Love you. Keep writing what you want. I will read it. And laugh. Maybe with you, maybe at you, but life is about everybody being different and saying different things. And others maybe not agreeing. The more that life is filled with contrasts, the smarter it makes us all!

  4. I pinned your Vicks disks a long ass time ago- and as I was organizing my Pinterest (I guess this makes me feel like I cleaned something today) I came across them again. I’m all closed into my room with My Vicks humidifier and my 5 gallon bucket of Vicks, sicker than a dog. I don’t have a voice- blah blah blah. Anyhow- I just kept reading and reading and now I am definitely a blog follower. I read all this- and loved it. You may have lost one ass-clown who felt compelled to give their two cents as a follower, but you gained my reading. You made me laugh so hard…. And I sound like Marge Simpson after a carton of Pall Malls at this point in time. So… I guess my point is that I’m making those Vicks pucks tomorrow for sure, and I’m not going to be following your blogs regularly!!! So keep being yourself- because your hilarious as can be! Thanks!!! 🙂

  5. Forgot about the reader you lost and the one somewhere in these comments that was appalled and then deleted her comment. You talk about life in terms that are real sharing both the good and the bad. Not many people get how frustrating and hard it is when your spouse is never around. My husband travels too and while I love how happy it makes him, there are days when I want him here to help deal with the life we lead. But its the life I knew I was signing up for and Im in it. I love that you keep it real, dont ever stop!

  6. You were not a bully. that term is way over used! I love your blog! Good for you for staying strong.

  7. Aw, I love you. Come live in a commune with me

  8. Hang in there. I HATE, HATE, HATE how PC we are these days. You can’t crack a joke anymore without offending someone. I for one agreed with everything you said. For every one person who gets offended by what you say, there will be two or three who will back you up – and probably agree with what you’re saying, laughing all the while. And yes, I too nearly peed at the Sasquatch Balls comment – and also the post about onions and your husband’s farts.

    I’ve read nearly all of your posts, and it sounds like life has been really crazy for a long time. If it’s not too personal to ask, is there a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere? Is your DH’s job always going to be this crazy, or do you have some normalcy to look forward to sometime in the near future? Anyways, thank you for your honest and very funny posts. I for one will be back.

    BTW, October Unprocessed is going wonderfully. My morning blood sugar has been consistently down 75 to 100 points. No soda, no refined sugar (use evaporated cane juice), and virtually nothing with weird chemicals or natural flavorings. And LOTS and LOTS of new fabulous recipes. My pantry is looking a heck of a lot different, too – lots of real ingredients instead of preprocessed boxes.

    • Ha, I promise I wasn’t hiding. Absence explanation in my meal plan post for this week!

      The light at the end of the tunnel is Troy getting a full-time fire fighting job, which is kind of like opening a unicorn ranch (i.e., really really rare). I’d like us to set a timeline for the “ok, what’s next” plan, but so far that hasn’t been as well received!

      So glad to hear you are feeling good and doing well on it. It’s a lot more work at first, and the dishes nearly kill me on a weekly basis, but the food tastes so good and is so much better for you! Keep it up!

  9. I soooooooo look forward to your blog and facebook posts. I can relate, sympathize, laugh until I (almost) pee. Your writing still encourages me to write my own blog, once I set aside some time devote to starting a blog. Haven’t quite figured out how to squeeze minutes or hours in somewhere between being primary income earner, parent, wife, foster dog mom, girl scout leader and wearing a whole host of other hats. PS – I still can’t figure out who to become something other than “unknown” when I comment. Stupid technology. Thanks! Monica

  10. Beware of the thought police! I think of comics like Roseanne…what would she be without her saracasm. We are living in a world of sleepwalkers…that need to be bitchslapped into wakefulness or something! Thanks for the post. It is right along the lines that I have been thinking lately! Extream metaphores, Extream examples may be needed to prod the population to start being afraid of the right things, and to stop being afraid of the wrong things!

  11. Since I have found your blog I like coming here once or twice a week to READ your posts / they are often hilarious and I quite agree with you about that girls tongue / ugh. I certainly didn’t see it as cyber bullying. I saw it as someone who goes onto the Net and there yet again is some story about her and her stupid tongue sticking out and one wishes the media had something better to report about than that, lol!

  12. It has not gone unnoticed that you haven’t posted in a few days. My fingers are crossed that it is because you are too busy having a wonderful time with family and friends.

    I have wanted to make elderberry syrup after reading about it here (coincidentally just a day after my neighbour was telling me how great elderberry syrup is, I figured it was fate) All four of us have already caught a cold before October (I rarely get sick!!) so I have a feeling it is going to be a bad winter for colds. I managed to trip over a local, raw honey supplier so I have that, but I have been searching stores around here (In a teeny section of Toronto, Ontario, Canada) but I can’t find any berries. There is no way in hell that I am buying what the neighbour bought at $18 for a small bottle! Now I am going to have to cave and order berries online.

    I’m blaming you. Just wanted you to know. 😉

  13. One time, you said something about Sasquatch’s balls and I laughed so hard I peed a little. This is the only blog I read and it’s because you are honest and hilarious. Keep on keepin’ on chick!

  14. The reason I read your blog on a daily basis is because you are exactly the way you are. Funny, raw, and real. Many times you sound like me or one of my friends: Foul mouthed, dry sarcasm, and absolutely hilarious.
    If someone doesn’t like it they can go suck it and find one of the bazillion “Martha Stewart” blogs that abound out there.
    Keep on keeping on!

  15. Rock on Sister!!!! You are a light spot in my day EVERYDAY!!! I LOVE your rants because they are just like MINE!!! I too would slap all three of those idiots!!! And why do they make the news instead of almost ANYTHING else???? grrrrrrrr…..
    I think you should know you have a whole posse out here that backs you everyday!

  16. I love your blog and have followed it for (wow…. years????) years! Your wit has always put a smile on my face. I love that you are so real. I love that I feel like we would be friends. (Another stalker alert??) Stay true! Stay blogging! I learn a lot of cool stuff from you even if I actually only “do” or “make” about 20% of it… I’m an idea person like Brenda (a few comments back!) I WILL be making my own vanilla extract this month though. I will! Or maybe next month.

  17. You are such a meanie and I never want to read your vile filth again…..

    ….so, still doing the Homemade Mondays, right?

    It’s the internet, which too many people take way too seriously. Of course those same “too serious” people tend to not take many things as seriously and normal folks think they should.

    Go figure.

  18. I am a new reader, age 61, and was rather surprised by your confessions. All I can say is, if we all did mandatory confessions every week I know I for one would probably have a lot less stress in my life. Carry On and Keep It Up.

    • Amen to that – we’d all feel a wee bit better if we didn’t put so much effort in to making everyone else think that our real life isn’t that real.