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Underneath it All

I received an email last week after my confession posts, where a (now former) reader said that by saying I wanted to push Kanye West off a cliff, slap Justin Bieber, and cut Miley Cyrus’ tongue off, I was basically committing cyber bullying.

We had a great back and forth discussion that was extremely civil and I think we both learned a lot.  In the end, she chose to no longer be a reader, and in the end, I remain committed to the idea that anyone who has a) read my blog for any length of time would know I was just being sarcastic b) no child on earth should be reading my blog and c) I have to stay true to myself.  The rest of this post was just inspired by the exchange, but in no way am I disparaging the woman who took the time to email me.  She was standing up for what she felt was right, and I have to respect that.

In one of the email exchanges, she indicated disbelief that I would use aggressive language like that in real life, or if given the chance if I would say those things to the people’s faces.

Here’s the thing, I would.

Well, I would only say it to Kanye if there were armed guards around.  I’ve seen what he has been doing to photographers lately!

Over the years, I’ve gotten a few such emails as the one I described above.  I’m lucky in that they’ve all been super civil, never cruel, but all basically saying the same thing “you need to consider the (fill in the blank) population when you are writing”.

Let me tell you what.  If you ask anyone who really knows me in real life, my writing is exactly how I talk.  Most of the time, really stupid shit comes out of my mouth, but all my true friends know that when something dumb comes out, it is meant to a) be funny b) fill in the dead air when something sad has happened and I have NO idea what to say.

So, to accuse me of presenting a false version of who I am, well that is just beetle headed.  And I’d say that to your face if we were in real life.

In real life, I am a really weird and complicated person.  In real life, I would do anything to put a smile on your face when you are stressed out or sad.  In real life, the shit that comes out of my mouth is just as dumb as the shit you read here.

In my real life, I almost never see my husband.  In real life, my only choice is to allow this bullshit lifestyle we live to continue on, or know that he is fucking miserable at a normal job for the rest of his life.  When faced with that situation, I don’t have any good choices, so I chose the one that causes me to die inside a little each day because my life isn’t anything like I thought it would be.

As a result, the one constant my son has in his life is me.  It is me who wakes him up, feeds him, bathes him, and puts him to bed EVERY NIGHT.  I don’t get to go to the gym, or go out with friends, join a book club, or do anything that requires me to attend regularly like a weeknight church group etc.  I’m out of choices in that regard.

The ONE fucking choice it seems like I have left is to write what the fuck I what, when I fucking want to.

Just like you have the choice to read it or not.  I’m not in any way saying that you can’t email me and tell me that something I said didn’t sit well with you, but just understand that before you hit send, I’m going to link you back to this post.  It’s not that I don’t want to engage with you and email back and forth, it’s just that if I were to write how you seem to want me to write, I’d be presenting a false version of me.

In my three years of writing, what I’ve found is that no one (really) wants to read a blog by someone who acts perfect, seems to never have mini breakdowns, or they can’t relate to.  There are plenty of blogs out there for you to read if you’d like any of the above, but let me tell you – they’re written by fucking liars.

As humans, we’re complicated as hell.  I don’t doubt that at some point something I will say will get stuck in your craw,  It’s gonna happen, so just know in advance that I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I’m not a robot.  I make mistakes and stuff like that.  We all do.

I have absolutely no idea what this post is actually about. It’s a brain dump. Written diarrhea. Just trying to get everything out that is floating around in my head and keeping me from sleeping.  Who the hell knows.

I’m going to sleep now.

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98 comments on “Underneath it All”

  1. I love your blog and your foul mouth. So often we have to be *good* in our everyday lives..It’s refeshing to come home and read funny stuff to de-stress. I do follow a lot of feel-good blogs, but I consider you one of them,cause you make me laugh. That’s me being a complicated,different human ;)..I like a lot of different things! Keep writing the way you do….please:)

  2. amen sister!! I’m not a regular follower but check in when I have a chance. Those people in the media you mentioned – I frankly don’t know much about, but hear of them making an ass of themselves on what little “news ” i get to turn on. Which isn’t news I care about. I live by the I wear what I want and try to get all my crap done from day to day and hopefully instill more wisdom than cuss words in my kid ( he knows them all, unfortunately) If you don’t like the way I look, ever so plain and tired – than don’t look. So I say, it’s your blog, write whatever the hell you want!!

  3. I am thankful for civil disputes and freedom of choice. Of course, any sort of confrontations scares the shit out of me, but yay you for handling it well!

    I love your blog, your writing style, your sense of humor, your thriftiness, etc. If I come across something that you write that I don’t particularly agree with or isn’t particualrly intersting to me, I just don’t read it and wait anxiously for the next post. The cool thing about humans is we are all different. If we all had the same thoughts and beliefs, life would be so stinking boring
    Keep up the awesomeness!

    • Tina, me too – I am the least confrontational person in the world. I turn in to an ostrich and just want to stick my head in the sand. BUT…since it was via email and I wasn’t feeling attacked, I went with it.

  4. You are my favorite blog to read. I am so sick of this idea that we have to pretend to be something we aren’t to please other people. I talk in a similar fashion and understand I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. I say fuck when I feel like it and joke a lot. Some people would think it’s wrong to tell my teenager I’m going to punch her in the throat but she and I know it’s funny 😉

  5. You GO, Girl!! You have spunk and speak your mind. I thought we were allowed to do that!

  6. If a reader doesn’t like your style and stops following you, then that is their loss. I enjoy your posts (and acronyms!!) and, clearly, so do many, many more!
    Good for you for not bashing the email-sender and I hope you feel better now that you have gotten this off your chest.

    Although, I have to admit, I feel a little guilty now because, quite a while ago, before I posted a photo on my own, neglected blog, that included my sugar container…. I cleaned it! And shoved all the crap on my counter out of the frame…. 😉

  7. Hugs to you, my potty-mouthed friend. You can’t please everybody… not even God has figured that one out. So keep moving upward and onward. We enjoy your witty remarks.

  8. I have a deep appreciation for how real you are. Nothing gets under my skin more than fakiness.
    When I read those other blogs that paint a serene picture of life one of two things happen depending on my mood: 1) I began questioning and doubting myself, causing me to further struggle with whatever issues are weighing on me at that time; 2) I want to scream at the writer (and sometimes I do scream at the computer screen) and tell them I know they are lying, like you said 🙂
    You and your blog make this world a better place. Reading your writing helps me keep my sanity, educates me, and most importantly makes me laugh!!! 🙂
    Thank you, and keep on keeping on 🙂

    • I doubt myself for about 5 seconds, and then realize they’re of course lying! You can’t grow all your own food, homeschool your kids, and try to tell me your house is immaculate condition. BS!

  9. To disagree with something someone says is one thing…to try and control what someone says is another, and there is too much of that going on these days. Im glad you are continuing to write and say what YOU feel! As I have always said also, there is a delete button or a change the channel button!! Have a great day!!

  10. I love reading your blog. I receive it 10 minutes beforeI leave work every day. You’re real, I can relate to most of it, and is always read with a smile on my face. Keep it up!
    P.S. Can we be BFF’s??!