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Underneath it All

I received an email last week after my confession posts, where a (now former) reader said that by saying I wanted to push Kanye West off a cliff, slap Justin Bieber, and cut Miley Cyrus’ tongue off, I was basically committing cyber bullying.

We had a great back and forth discussion that was extremely civil and I think we both learned a lot.  In the end, she chose to no longer be a reader, and in the end, I remain committed to the idea that anyone who has a) read my blog for any length of time would know I was just being sarcastic b) no child on earth should be reading my blog and c) I have to stay true to myself.  The rest of this post was just inspired by the exchange, but in no way am I disparaging the woman who took the time to email me.  She was standing up for what she felt was right, and I have to respect that.

In one of the email exchanges, she indicated disbelief that I would use aggressive language like that in real life, or if given the chance if I would say those things to the people’s faces.

Here’s the thing, I would.

Well, I would only say it to Kanye if there were armed guards around.  I’ve seen what he has been doing to photographers lately!

Over the years, I’ve gotten a few such emails as the one I described above.  I’m lucky in that they’ve all been super civil, never cruel, but all basically saying the same thing “you need to consider the (fill in the blank) population when you are writing”.

Let me tell you what.  If you ask anyone who really knows me in real life, my writing is exactly how I talk.  Most of the time, really stupid shit comes out of my mouth, but all my true friends know that when something dumb comes out, it is meant to a) be funny b) fill in the dead air when something sad has happened and I have NO idea what to say.

So, to accuse me of presenting a false version of who I am, well that is just beetle headed.  And I’d say that to your face if we were in real life.

In real life, I am a really weird and complicated person.  In real life, I would do anything to put a smile on your face when you are stressed out or sad.  In real life, the shit that comes out of my mouth is just as dumb as the shit you read here.

In my real life, I almost never see my husband.  In real life, my only choice is to allow this bullshit lifestyle we live to continue on, or know that he is fucking miserable at a normal job for the rest of his life.  When faced with that situation, I don’t have any good choices, so I chose the one that causes me to die inside a little each day because my life isn’t anything like I thought it would be.

As a result, the one constant my son has in his life is me.  It is me who wakes him up, feeds him, bathes him, and puts him to bed EVERY NIGHT.  I don’t get to go to the gym, or go out with friends, join a book club, or do anything that requires me to attend regularly like a weeknight church group etc.  I’m out of choices in that regard.

The ONE fucking choice it seems like I have left is to write what the fuck I what, when I fucking want to.

Just like you have the choice to read it or not.  I’m not in any way saying that you can’t email me and tell me that something I said didn’t sit well with you, but just understand that before you hit send, I’m going to link you back to this post.  It’s not that I don’t want to engage with you and email back and forth, it’s just that if I were to write how you seem to want me to write, I’d be presenting a false version of me.

In my three years of writing, what I’ve found is that no one (really) wants to read a blog by someone who acts perfect, seems to never have mini breakdowns, or they can’t relate to.  There are plenty of blogs out there for you to read if you’d like any of the above, but let me tell you – they’re written by fucking liars.

As humans, we’re complicated as hell.  I don’t doubt that at some point something I will say will get stuck in your craw,  It’s gonna happen, so just know in advance that I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I’m not a robot.  I make mistakes and stuff like that.  We all do.

I have absolutely no idea what this post is actually about. It’s a brain dump. Written diarrhea. Just trying to get everything out that is floating around in my head and keeping me from sleeping.  Who the hell knows.

I’m going to sleep now.

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98 comments on “Underneath it All”

  1. Listen, cyber bullying? Kanye West? Seriously? You shoulda started off your response email with….”Im gonna let you finish but…” and then ranted about beyonce writing the best email of all time.

    I read your blog everyday, absolutely love your personality and humor. The beauty of the internet is that if you don’t like what you are reading, it doesn’t apply to you, you hate the font, whatever, you can move on. There is more internet available to you. Its your blog and your responsibility to be honest to yourself amd your readers.

    Keep up the good work.

    That being said….is there any hope on the horixon for your hubby to be home more? Its obvious that you bust your ass off (not saying he doesn’t) but you deserve a life too.

    Take care, thanks for blogging!

    • “Im gonna let you finish but…” and then ranted about beyonce writing the best email of all time.

      I think I just died 1,000 deaths.

      As far as Troy being home more…that depends on when/if he can find a full-time fire fighting job. Right now he is working two jobs, but none equal a full-time fire job. If he can go to full-time, he’d work 24 hours, and then off for 48. And you know, have benefits, and sick leave, and vacation, and normal shit that he has NEVER EVER HAD.

    • I hope he finds something soon. You need a break!

  2. Woop woop go you!! Mx

  3. Amen sister…keep it up. If people don’t like it- get the fuck gone with you I say….

  4. You’re awesome. Never change your tone in your writing.

  5. Ahem. *sings to the tune of “It’s My Party”* It’s your blog and you can write what you want to, write what you want to, wriiiite what you want tooo… You would rant too, if it happened to yoooou! *bows*

  6. rock on. i read your blog every day for your authenticity, so thank you for sticking to your guns. what’s that quote? something like, “the surest way to be miserable is to try to make everyone else happy.” something like that. anyway, make yourself happy. i don’t know you personally, but as a faithful reader, i’m proud of you.

  7. Sarah!! The whole reason I come here every day is because you are REAL. I’m glad the back-and-forth between you two was civil. It’s her prerogative to choose not to read any more, just as it’s yours to keep on keeping it real.

    FTR, I want to kick Kanye in the crotch, spit on his neck, THEN push him off a cliff. And, he should take that mop-headed Justin Beiber with him. Both of them should be handcuffed to that hot mess, Miley Cyrus!!

    Ok, I think I’ve spewed enough. 😉

    xoxox

  8. I love your blog and like to see the great things that enter your mind because I think that they are in most of brains at one time or another. I don’t thing that you need to worry about the famous people following your blog and taking offense nor do I think that you would really follow through presented with the opportunity 🙂 A day at home with a young boy often makes anyone a little batty (especially after dealing with all the office craziness) and without a break of something, we love to hear your thoughts and be your support!!

    • I am totally picturing Miley curling up on the couch in her jammies saying “I need to save some of my twerking money. Let’s google “how to be frugal”. Oh, look at this blog that popped up. Wait a second…”.

  9. I “Fucking” love it. Life is to short to live your life for other people. I love your blog and I as well as by my count, 20+ other people are behind you. Btw Miley Cyrus makes me want to get tested for everything just watching the tv so dont feel bad. Shes gross, and your awesome 🙂

  10. Listen, sometimes your writing is the only laugh in my day. You don’t try to lure people in by saying you’re Patty Perfect and then smack them in the face with profanity. And seriously, who DOESN’T want to push Kanye off a cliff? I’m sure we could sell tickets and amass a fortune. Apparently, someone missed the Freedom of Speech lecture in her American Government class in middle school. I say BE GONE nay sayers! Carry on Sarah! Well done!