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Confessions, December

It’s that time of the month again folks.

No, not THAT time of the month.

Confession time!  The post each month where we all say silly scandalous things, and laugh and go about our day.  Let us begin.

1) I’ve talked for years about wanting to write a book.  A cookbook/DIY/gardening, etc., kind of book.  Now there is some weird part of me that wants to have Troy and I on the cover of said book recreating the American Gothic painting.  But I have no idea why this popped in to my head…instead of a pitchfork, I want to hold my dad’s fake leg.

I do fear that something is wrong with me.

2) I swear that boy pee is the stinkiest thing in the whole world.  It’s like toxic waste.  So, when I clean the bathrooms, and Jack’s toilet is all sparkling and smelling clean…I make him pee outside for at least two hours just so I can keep it clean for that much longer.

3) Jack has such long nose hairs that I actually have to trim them.  I can’t handle them.

4) I pride myself on being pretty level-headed and sensible.  I notice the little things that no one else does.  Tiny details rarely escape me.

Which is why it’s so embarrassing to admit that about seven years ago, Troy and I were watching 24.  I sat up towards the end of an episode and gasped “we’re late (for some appointment I can’t recall right now)”!  I started scrambling to get ready to go and Troy looked at me said “we’re not late.  Did you think the time on the TV was the actual time”?

I totally did.  You know how 24 does that “beep boop, beep boop” thing and displays the time on the screen?  I totally took it for the actual time.

5) The other day I needed exactly $2 and I had to steal it from Jack’s piggy bank.  I paid him back, don’t you worry.

6) We keep a plastic cup in the bathtub for rinsing the soap off of Jack, and for washing his hair.  We also brush his teeth in the tub. About six months ago, he started spitting his toothpaste in to the cup.  I rinse it in the sink, but still totally use it on Jack.

7) I always see those “Chive on” bumper stickers and until I just googled it, I had NO idea what it meant.  Living in a state where pot is legal, I assumed it was something drug related.

8) I can’t stand people who talk on their cell phones on speakerphone in public.  Is your arm that tired that you can’t bring it all the way up to your ear?  Is your conversation that important that we all need to hear it?

9) I eat gummy bears feet first and leave their heads for last so that they can watch me devour their tasty little bodies.  I’ve never tortured an animal in real life, so don’t fear that I am some psychopath.

10) I want to kick my own ass on a daily basis for the money I turn down related to this blog.  I get approached constantly for sponsored posts (I write about your product and you pay me cash money), and I always turn them down because they’re not things I can get on board with.  I shit you not, I turned down $375 two weeks ago because I couldn’t look you all in the eye (not that I actually do because you know…this is the internet) if I made a recipe using an ingredient that would never in my life buy myself.  Sticking to my morals is going to cause me to go broke.

11) I think about 85% of people who claim to be allergic to gluten are just full of crap and looking for attention.  Why not say “I prefer to not eat gluten” or “I feel better without it”?  Why say you’re allergic?  Only about 1% of the population has an actual allergy to gluten (like Celiac).

Your turn folks…what do you have to confession?

 

 

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34 comments on “Confessions, December”

  1. I turned 31 today, but I still dream I am in college. Subsequently every dream is me forgetting how to get to a class or i have forgotten a big project.

    I stash chocolate bars in the top dresser drawer to eat while my husband gives my daughter a shower so i dont have to share.

    I hate folding laundry.

    Sometimes i screen my phone calls. When i finally call people back, i lie and say the kids were napping.

    When my husband asks what ive done all day, i want to strangle him. I have a two yr old and a 6 month old. I survived man, i survived.

    • I used to stash candy bars in my top sewing drawer when my kids were little for the same reason! Just one, every so often. Now I leave it out in plain sight, but still hidden, cause the kids are grown. They steal mu chewing gum now!!

      • I hide chocolate from my husband. If he sees it it’s gone. So I buy him cheap Hershey chocolate and buy myself the grand stuff!

      • That’s the other reason I hide chocolate. I have an occasional serious craving, and I like some at night before bed. Unfortunately, the hubs is diabetic and it’s hard to keep chocolate around that he can eat. I’ve got to order a big bunch the first of the month so he’ll be a happy boy in January!

      • I always have chocolate hidden in my bedroom. My youngest is 20. I still hide chocolate. I will only eat chocolate candy. Anything else makes me gag.

  2. I just saw a keep calm and chive on sticker on a truck today and totally thought it was a marijuana thing (Colorado here). Thank you for reminding me to google 🙂

  3. I know why people claim gluten allergy..as someone who prefers not to eat gluten because I feel better without it, it’s annoying that other people will try to make you feel bad about your choice or “cheat, just this once! C’mon, it’s just .” It’s hard enough to ignore foods with delicious gluten without having to ignore my well-meaning friends, too.

    • I couldn’t eat dairy or gluten for a year because Jack was allergic and I was bf’ing. I vote you go the brutal honesty route to get people to shut up. When people would ask why I wasn’t eating something, I’d say “it causes my baby to shit blood”. ;-D

      • Definitely go with the total honesty thing! But remember to preface your comment with something like “Bless your little heart…”, it allows you to call someone a total dumbass about something and they think it’s a compliment. It’s a southern thing, again, and it really works.

      • If I have to mention it to people, I just say my husband doesn’t eat gluten. Maybe I should say, “I prefer it when he’s gluten free because FARTS.”

      • Please take a video of yourself saying that if you actually do. That would be awesome!!!

  4. 1) Re: #8 – When I am in crowd with other people and someone is on their phone talking very loud and just going on and on, I turn to the person next to me and say “Rather rude of her/him not to put it speaker so we can hear both sides of the conversation”. Gets a laugh every time and of course, phone talker is clueless.

    2) Along the same vein, when a small child is having a melt down in the store and parent keeps shopping & yelling (and yes, been there done that. But I would grab what I had to have and haul ass out of there, not shop for another hour) I look parent in the eye, smile sweetly and say “Don’t you hate it when they act their age?”. Again, blank stare and clueless.

  5. I want to drive a missile deploying vehicle to aim at cars that don’t use their lights. This time of year when it’s dark so much & dark cars match the road. Nothing fires me up as seeing a car with no lights. I tell everyone that they will attend my funeral one day from being killed by a dark car.
    My hubby leaves at random times very early in the morning and without fail he slams the door so hard it shakes the house and I’m wide awake then. He swears he’s pulling it shut normally but I disagree. Hence my being awake at 5:15am right now.
    I live in Amish country lancaster County PA & like when our Amish neighbors spread the manure on the fields. Most people are gasping & moaning over the smell while I think it’s normal & earthy. Like the smell of spring on steroids.
    I work as a pharmacy technician but secretly don’t believe in most pharmaceuticals.
    I don’t wash my bed linens nearly as often as Martha Stewart does. I’m lucky if we change our water bed 4x a year!
    I must have a little piece of something sweet at the end of every meal to tell my brain I’m done. A small York peppermint pattie does the trick. If we are out to eat I will have to restrain myself from asking another table for one tiny nite of their dessert cause I don’t wanna order a whole one.
    I swear like a sailor when I’m alone & annoyed by something. One of these days I’m going mess up & do it in public.
    I marvel at all that Sarah gets done in a day after working and entertaining us. Sometimes when I’m telling myself to not sit down and rest in the evening I think of Sarah & finish one small thing!! So thank you, Sarah for motivating me.

    • I agree with the manure! I grew up next to an orchard. To me, the smell is clean, and signifies growth. I liked your comment. Thank for sharing.

    • Totally get the car lights thing, but some new cars(my husbands for example) have so many computerized parts, the car lights up like a christmas tree inside before you ever turn the headlights on. That is why I drove for over 10 minutes in the pitch dark before I realized the person behind me was flashing the highbeams to alert me my lights were not on and not just to annoy me 🙂

      The thing that angers me is the amount of times cars in the oncoming lane drift into my lane. Obviously texting and not paying attention. That really makes me mad.

  6. Some people have to use the speaker on their phone because they are unable to hold the phone to their ear because of disability like my hubby. It either that or get somebody else to make the calls.

    • My dad has to talk on a speaker because of a bum shoulder (on top of all the other issues the poor dude has), so I totally get that.

      However, I work next to a high school and I have a hard time believing that 90% of the kids who attend have a disability preventing them from bringing the phone to their ear.

  7. Recently it’s been when someone wants to “help me” by loading my dishwasher and they load it all wrong and I have to reload it. It’s a real pet peeve. Especially when I say ” no thanks I will do it” and they won’t just leave it alone. Sometimes I just want to scream.
    During the holiday season I struggle with all the holly jolly. And there is always that one person who just doesn’t get it. Now I am not at Scrooge level but I like to take the holiday at my pace. So when they start their 20 questions as to why I am the way I am I just want to punch them!
    I so understand the phone thing. I am with you. I don’t want to hear others conversations.

    • Rebecca – YESSSSSSS! How effing hard is it to remember the plates go on the side with all the prongs – the prongs that hold them upright? You know, so they won’t flop around all over the place when the dishwasher is running. And I’m not talking a small child, I’m talking about my husband!!

      As for me: I may have secreted away one of the five packages of specialty candy bars that one of our vendors dropped off at work, “for everyone to share”. Really? I’m the one who calls and books you, I handle all the grunt work, the invoicing snafus, proof of delivery and no one from the office ever offers to help. And thanks to you guys, I now know where to hide them.

      I love Confessions time.

    • Great list. I am with you on the gluten free kick. I read a medical journal that says in most cases gluten free foods are more fattening and that most people do not have gluten allergies. Some people are followers though and jump on any old bandwagon.

      I have meant to google the Chive on saying too. Now I don’t have to, thanks!

      Confessions, I did not handle it well this past week when a woman behind me in the mall parking lot honked to move me along. I was waiting for a spot and apparently I was holding her up from getting into the mall. I blew her a kiss as she past by me, proving the stereotype that all Canadians are really polite 🙂

      I had enough of a mom on my sons hockey team this week. I leaned forward and gestured for her to “shut it!” When she pretended to have no clue what I meant, I proceeded to inform her. Gist of our “conversation”….critique your child all you want but do not ever let me hear you yelling things at my kid(whether you say his name or not-as though I am so dense I don’t know you are talking about my son). The parents near me were laughing….I said what they all wanted to. I did not swear once. Professional all the way.

      • oops meant my last comment to be at the end, not in reply to Rebecca’s comment. Oh but in regards to her comment….I work in a couple of group homes with developmentally disabled individuals. We are trained to “do with, not for”. So, that would mean allowing someone in the group home to put their dishes in the dishwasher themselves. I do of course, and then wait til they are out of sight and rearrange the dishes they placed in there. Horrible, I know!!!!!

  8. I totally agree with you on the gluten thing. I get it if you have a preference (however dumb it is because gluten is awesome (can you tell I bake?)), but yeah, be honest about it!

    My job is one where some days I’m bat-shit crazy, running around, handling 50 different things. Some days (like today), I have nothing to do. NOTHING. So, I’m knitting a Christmas present under my desk until someone walks in to talk to me, then I hide it.

    I didn’t know about Chive on either. I assumed it had something to do with the Onion. Now I know.

    I hate fog lamps. We live in Austin, not San Francisco, and even then we don’t need your bright, glaring lights on in the middle of the city. Maybe if we were in the highlands in Scotland, or something. Especially when I’m driving with a migraine, thankyouverymuch.

    I admire your integrity, Sarah! Happy Christmas to you and your boys!

    • Yes! HATE fog lamps. I live in Alberta and EVERYONE seems to have a big ass truck with 4 huge halogen lights glaring at me. How is it illegal to have two bright lights on but 4 regular lights is OK??

      I think it’s a wannabe cowboy testosterone ‘my truck(lights) are bigger than yours’ thing.

  9. I get SO bored when I am with women who only want to talk about their children or ask me about mine. I have interests and hobbies outside of being a parent and enjoy adult conversations. In group settings I sometimes end up migrating over to the men because they talk about more interesting things.

    • oh lord, me too. i dont care about your cloths/handbag/vacation spot/potty training routine /etc… can we please talk about something that maters?

  10. I have a secret list in my phone where I write the things I would actually like to say to my employees but I can’t. They are rude and offensive and I should probably be fired for even thinking them. It makes me less stabby once they are written down. Only two people know about the list and they only usually get to read it once a year. Even my husband doesn’t know about it.

  11. 1. I work in junior high and you’d think the kids that age would be really annoying. Well, it turns out I am fine with the kids 99% of the time. But some of the adults I work with drive me nuts.

    2. Yes, I am a speech therapist. No, I am not critiquing your speech.

    3. My kids’ babysitter is baking cookies with them tomorrow and I’m so relieved. Not because I don’t like to bake–I really do like to. It’s just I can’t be trusted with cookie dough or fresh cookies. I have been doing really well eating healthy this holiday season, but that would be my undoing.

  12. I wish I had the same problem about having to turn blog money down! I would love for you to do a blog-tip post where you can teach the rest of us how to become successful bloggers and grow our audiences!

    Oh, and as always you made me crack up with this post! Thank you for entertaining me!!!

  13. Ha Lisa Y! (I’m a speech path…no I’m not criticizing your speech”). I’m a school psychologist. Guess what I hear all the time. No, I don’t have time to analyze your family, mother, father, etc. If you’re that bad off, I will be calling child protective services though….

    It’s Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year. My 40 plus family members all assume I will continue to serve dinner and drinks and host 20 overnight guests without prior notice. Does anyone come without empty hands? Why No.. Donna loves to host this dinner all by herself. This is why I always stock up on alcohol. Merry day. Now that I have unloaded that I can go on and be the gracious hostess.

  14. I totally steal from my kid’s piggy bank all the time. I don’t pay him back but he’s 3 it’s not like he actually earned or needs the money. I buy him stuff all the time so I don’t feel guilty. Same goes for his savings account. We’re flat broke right now, that means he is too.

  15. Your Merry Christmas post reminded me that I haven’t purged my soul yet!

    So, I usually say happy holidays as I figure it covers all the bases. Apparently this is a cardinal sin. I created a shit storm the other day when I suggested we get a Happy Holiday stamp (for the kids to make holiday cards) to put out at a recent kid’s holiday party that my hubby’s work put on. Apparently it’s Merry Christmas because to hell with anyone who doesn’t share their beliefs.

    Needless to say, I kept my mouth shut through the rest of the party preparations.

    So we decided that we were actually going to “celebrate” Christmas this year (we are not religious, so that means we just gave it to the consumerism side of things). I already knew what I was getting the hubby and it was AWESOME and totally something he wanted. I gave him a detailed list.

    Well, being the heathens that we are, we decided to celebrate 2 weeks early (the following week was our kiddo’s birthday then Christmas so yeah for 3 weeks of gifts!). I got three things, which were all pretty good and non of them from my list. We talked about doing stockings for us from Santa (the kiddo still believes), but I thought we had nixed that idea. Turns out we hadn’t. On Christmas Eve, the hubby comes home all excited because he had gotten the items for his stocking. His. Then was like,”Oh, you didn’t get anything for your stocking? You can go today can’t you?” Ugh. I don’t need a holiday to go buy myself stuff. Sometimes it’s just nice that someone else knows you well enough to get a gift for you.

    Oh well, rant done.