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Confessions – May

New here?  You may be confused a bit by what is about to happen.

Monthly confessions are a staple ’round these parts.  Confessions are good for the soul, and I’m all about doing things that are good for you!  I say silly confessions, you contribute your own via the comments, we all have a good laugh, and then we go about our day.

Ready to start?  Let’s go!

1) When Jack had his tonsil surgery, he was prescribed a painkiller that royally screwed up his teeth.  We brush his teeth with a spinbrush, and he eats really well, but his teeth have this weird orange layer on them.  I want to make him a t-shirt that says “my mom does not feed me doritos all day”.

My only hope is that when his baby teeth fall out, the new teeth won’t be effected, because honestly it embarrasses me.

2) When Troy is home to “help” get Jack ready in the morning, we’re always at least five minutes late leaving the house.  When it’s just me?  On time or early every single time.

I’m not sure how after five years of a morning routine, the order cannot be recalled.  It’s fairly simple, and it makes our morning efficient and whine-free.  When Troy is home, the morning always ends with me yelling “it’s time to get in the car.  Stop playing, stop crying, and stop whining and get in the car NOW”.  I turn in to this yelling person I don’t even recognize, and it makes my heart sick and it makes me sad.  I am so sick of the being the bad guy, that I want to scream.

When it is just Jack and myself, the morning is calm and he gets in the car with nary a hassle.

3) I bought my own Mother’s Day present last week because it was something I really wanted and needed, and I didn’t want to get stuck with a last minute present that was purchased with minimal planning or thought.  We’re busy people, and present shopping isn’t always at the forethought of our collective minds.

What did I buy myself?  A new clothesline.  HA!  With the construction going on at our house, our sunroom has been torn down, meaning I no longer have a place to dry sheets.  I like that the new dryer can be used in our basement, or outside on a sunny day, all without having to dig a hole.

4) Jack gets hyper-focused on certain words he is not supposed to say.  So knowing he isn’t allowed to say them, he says them ALL the time.  A few months ago, he was really in to saying “fart” and “nerd”.  At face-value, neither of those words are bad, but the fact that he can’t shut up about them made them banned words.

He loves to tell people, random strangers in fact, about the words he isn’t allowed to say.  One day, we were in the parking lot at Target and an African American man walked by. Jack loudly told him “my mom said I’m not supposed to say the F word or the N word”.  Realizing it had been years since the Pacific Northwest had a huge earthquake, I prayed with all of my heart for the big one to hit right then and there so that the ground could swallow me and my big-mouthed kid whole.

I explained to the man that the “F” word was “fart” and the “N” word was “nerd”, but I’m not certain he believed me.  I’m sure he went home that day and told his family about the tiny white supremacist he met at Target.

5) I can’t fucking stand the term “mommy blogger” and I cringe whenever it is applied to me.  Sure, I blog, and I’m a mom, but my blog is about so much more than my kid.  It’s about the important things in life – eating well on a budget, breaking down the fear of cooking wholesome food from scratch, and fart jokes and other sophomoric humor.

6) Jack constantly has two boogers in his nose.  They’re the nasty dried kind, that even a strategic momma finger can’t get out.  I analyzed the issue, and realized they were getting caught in these long nose hairs he had.  So…I trimmed the nose hairs because the perpetual boogers were driving me crazy.

7) This woman I work with has the best pair of red corduroy pants that I have coveted for a long time.  Last year, I found a pair on a clearance rack at Macy’s; originally $110, on sale for $18.  I tried them on, and they fit well.  A little shorter than I would normally wear (I’m 6 ft tall), but they were a great length with flats.

The waistband was a little high, but the price was right and the color was awesome.

It wasn’t until I got home that I realized they were the brand “Not Your Daughter’s Jeans”.  Whoops…I’m in my 30’s!  After a few washings, they loosened up a little bit too much. Now, there is extra, how do we say…wiggle room in the crotchal region.  I think they’re called Not Your Daughter’s Jeans, because they’re actually for your son.  And his junk.

8) Jack is in this whiny phase right now where every little thing can set him off and he just starts crying.  It drives me crazy, and I’m embarrassed to admit that at least once a day, I tell him to “stop crying and sack up”.

9) I really freaking hate the new trend of hipsters wearing thick black glasses without actual lenses ironically.  As someone who is pretty blind without glasses and contacts, I say “what the hell”?  That’s like me wearing a retainer that I don’t need.

So, I showed you mine…now it is time for you to share your confessions!

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16 comments on “Confessions – May”

  1. BAHAHAHA about the Target story! Oh my, my drink is spill. Forgive me while I go clean this up before my keyboard dies!

    Not sure about confessions, it’s been extremely mellow around here. I secretly like to go out with my dad, and people think he’s my pimp. He’s chocolatey black (not the US African American black, but more of a mixed/hispanic black), and I’m blond when next to him, with green eyes. I’m actually quite dark to be blond, but whatever. It’s even better when we borrow my brother’s kids and go shopping. Oh, the looks and the murmurs! Last time we did this was while stopping in NC to visit my brother (he’s black like my dad), and we stopped at a store to get something to drink. I didnt have cash on me, having spent all of it on tolls, so I asked him for money. An elderly couple by the milk aisle just shook their heads.

    I’ve probably also said this, but the only times I do laundry are 1) when I’m out of undies, 2) when my PT work shirts are all dirty. Other than that, I will hold it off, sometimes 3-4 weeks at a time.