Confessions – September
My, my, it has been a long time since we’ve had some confessions around these parts, hasn’t it? I honestly don’t know what happened, but I think it is high time we fixed that, m’kay.
For the newbies, confessions are where I share stupid things that most people like to keep to themselves, but for some reason I feel you would care about. And then you share in the comments, and we all have a great laugh and feel like normal people for a day or two. Ready? Ready!
- Who in the hell do the potential witnesses on Law and Order think they are? They’re always cleaning the kitchen, or outside of school, or at the park, and when the detectives ask them questions, their kid calls, or the bell rings and they say “oh, I’m sorry Detective Green (holla), but I really have to go now”. PEOPLE, THAT IS THE POLICE. You don’t tell the police you’re too busy to talk to them. You TALK TO THEM. I don’t care that you have a roast on the stove, or your kid fell off the slide. Damn man.
- I’m trying to figure out at what point, everyone in my house will try to stop having a conversation with me when I am doing dishes or running water in the sink. I tell them all at least three times a week that I CANNOT HEAR YOU WHEN THE WATER IS RUNNING. And then I have to turn off the damn faucet, turn around and snap “what”, just for Jack to ask me “what would happen if you were walking down the street and a blue shark came up from the sewer and ate you”, and then I would (with wet hands) say “that couldn’t happen” and turn back to the dishes. Only then would I hear Jack mumble something else, have to turn off the water, snap “what”??? again, only to be asked “yeah, but what if”. What if mommy taped your mouth shut? No, I mean, what if?
- If I have to say “manners” one more time to my kid during a meal, I might scream. How many times must one hear “put your entire butt on the chair, face your plate, and EAT” before it sinks it? And homeboy has an amazing memory, so this is one of those instances where he is choosing to NOT remember. Yes, we were in public. No, I have no idea why he thought sitting like that was appropriate. Thankfully, Bennett was clearly going to knock him out with a blow dart gun.
- Anyone else creeped out by the Trivago guy? I’m not sure what it is, but he gives me the willies. I think it may have to do with the fact that they dress him like he is 20, or that his shirts are always really long and his belt line looks super low. Or maybe it’s the accent I just can’t place, but either way, I don’t trust him. I do not like the cut of that man’s jib (TWSS).
- My hair is so fine, that I only use one of those little black combs that you used to get on school picture day. My friend Kristina used to refer to it as the “My Little Pony” brush. I covet thick locks.
- My friend was at a medical conference and one of the topics was pain. The speaker said that when people get spinal taps, they are given a medicine to dull the pain during the procedure…except for in Norway, because people in Norway tolerate pain differently than the rest of the world. Suddenly, my entire life made sense. My sister, mom, and I weren’t just tough, we’re fucking superheros. It is a good thing I don’t drink, because you’d probably find me trying to cut off a toe like that chick on Heroes.
This was a brief foray back in to a monthly series, but I think we shall do it again soon!
Oh how I missed confessions. Keep ’em coming!
We just moved. Sold our house and are renting a small apartment while deciding where to live next. I bought a coat rack/bench with hooks and shelves because there is no coat closet. Will husband put his shoes on the shelf? No. Will he hung up his jacket, even though the hooks are literally right next to the door where he takes off his jacket? No. Will clothes go in the hamper on his side of the bed? No. I don’t understand and it drives me nuts, especially in such a small space.
Oh, just wait until Jack is a pre-teen/teenager. You will be less worried about his butt being in the chair and more worried about why every dinner table conversation somehow segues into penises. As you’re setting down the spaghetti, “Mom, I need a new jock for baseball. Mine is too small.” With emphatic wiggling and demonstration. “Son, can we please have ONE DINNER where we don’t talk about your junk at the table????”
Face your food. Eat your food.
Face Your Food. Now!
Use your fork not your hands.
Put it in your pie hole! (Yes we’re classy)
Don’t distract your brother from eating. (at the one that did eat and sit right just because they are too funny/entertaining/charming and are an excuse for wiggle worm to stop eating to be entertained.
turn around and face your food.
My confession is that I decided to be cheap/frugal and try to recycle my deodorant. When my stick gets so far down that I can’t use it anymore, I noticed there is still product available, kind of like lipstick when you get down to the end….there is still stuff “in there”.
Basically I collect a bunch of these unusable nubbins, melt them in the microwave, and then pour back the liquid back into a empty deodorant stick. I just got two “new” sticks (basically $10) for this.