It always cracks me up that bloggers present this perfect version of themselves. I’m sure we all want to believe that we’re like that, but it’s not realistic, nor is it believable. In that vein, here are my confessions for August:
– I thought the Florence and the Machine song “Dog Days Are Over” were “The Dark Days Are Over”, and I actually thought it was written for The Hunger Games movie.
-I have to pee three times before bed. My routine is as follows:
a) pee once, go check on Jack. Get in bed
b) immediately get out of bed, and go pee again. Get back in bed.
c) Go pee the third time, and promise myself this is the LAST TIME I’m peeing.
Troy calls it my “threepeet” (rhymes with repeat).
-Jack is so dramatic and is such a loud crier if he gets so much as a scrape, that it actually embarrasses me when we’re in public. I just want to shout “get your shit together and sac up man”.
-When we lived in Los Angeles, we loved the series Nip/Tuck. For about two years, I couldn’t wash my face unless the door was closed because I was convinced “The Carver” was coming to get me. Now, The Carver only carved up models, and I know I didn’t fall in to that category, but I thought perhaps he might take a chance on me anyway. Just in case, the door was firmly locked.
-In a parking lot, I refuse to walk between two vans/SUV’s because I always think the doors will open and someone will snatch me.
-I hate the words panty and titty, so when I was breastfeeding, Troy called my reusable breast pads “titty panties” just to mess with me. It makes me laugh now, but it wasn’t always funny at the time.
-I refuse to use pens at the front counter of any business, bank, doctor’s office, etc. GROSS! Think of all the people who don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom, and then they go and use that pen. I keep a pen in my purse, and bust that sucker out whenever I need to sign anything.
-I really want to redesign my blog, and maybe come up with a different name. But honestly, the work involved in that exhausts me from just thinking about it.
-If Jack says “why” one more time after I tell him to do something, I’m tempted to yell “because I fucking said so”!!!! I won’t of course, but man, the temptation is always there.
-After I had a two week vacation, I was so sad to go back to work, that I had Troy get a copy of health benefits from his EMT job. I almost cried when I saw the cost of insuring just the three of us through their company. It would have taken Troy’s ENTIRE paycheck, just to get cut rate health coverage.
-Almost every morning, when my alarm goes off at 4:30 am, I really want to quit my job and blog full-time. However, the health insurance issue (above) remains, and honestly, I feel like what if I actually did get the chance to stay home and blog, and I might freaking suck at it. What if this is as good as it gets, and having more time to devote to it, results in absolutely nothing? That thought gives me the boob sweats.
-Troy’s current work schedule is not sustainable, and I know that soon something will have to give. And no matter how I work it over in my mind, it is going to require me to work harder (more paid posts, articles, potential affiliations, etc.) so that he can reduce his hours. I’d be happy to have him around more, because frankly our family life is just so stressful right now. That being said, I feel like I’ll be resentful that I’m going to have to work harder so that he can work less. It makes me feel guilty for thinking that, but I’m just exhausted. We’ve been married for nine years, and Troy’s never had a conventional work schedule, except for 11 months (and he was so miserable at that job). I’m just exhausted. I want normal. I want predictable. I don’t want to be a single mom anymore, and I don’t want my kid crying because his dad isn’t around anymore. I’m OVER it.
-I bought a Ghiradelli chocolate and caramel bar to use for an ice cream recipe that I conceptualized in my head. Unfortunately, I ate it all in one sitting before I got the chance. Whoops.
Care to share any confessions of your own? It feels so good!