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It always cracks me up that bloggers present this perfect version of themselves. I’m sure we all want to believe that we’re like that, but it’s not realistic, nor is it believable. In that vein, here are my confessions for August:
– I thought the Florence and the Machine song “Dog Days Are Over” were “The Dark Days Are Over”, and I actually thought it was written for The Hunger Games movie.
-I have to pee three times before bed. My routine is as follows:
a) pee once, go check on Jack. Get in bed
b) immediately get out of bed, and go pee again. Get back in bed.
c) Go pee the third time, and promise myself this is the LAST TIME I’m peeing.
Troy calls it my “threepeet” (rhymes with repeat).
-Jack is so dramatic and is such a loud crier if he gets so much as a scrape, that it actually embarrasses me when we’re in public. I just want to shout “get your shit together and sac up man”.
-When we lived in Los Angeles, we loved the series Nip/Tuck. For about two years, I couldn’t wash my face unless the door was closed because I was convinced “The Carver” was coming to get me. Now, The Carver only carved up models, and I know I didn’t fall in to that category, but I thought perhaps he might take a chance on me anyway. Just in case, the door was firmly locked.
-In a parking lot, I refuse to walk between two vans/SUV’s because I always think the doors will open and someone will snatch me.
-I hate the words panty and titty, so when I was breastfeeding, Troy called my reusable breast pads “titty panties” just to mess with me. It makes me laugh now, but it wasn’t always funny at the time.
-I refuse to use pens at the front counter of any business, bank, doctor’s office, etc. GROSS! Think of all the people who don’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom, and then they go and use that pen. I keep a pen in my purse, and bust that sucker out whenever I need to sign anything.
-I really want to redesign my blog, and maybe come up with a different name. But honestly, the work involved in that exhausts me from just thinking about it.
-If Jack says “why” one more time after I tell him to do something, I’m tempted to yell “because I fucking said so”!!!! I won’t of course, but man, the temptation is always there.
-After I had a two week vacation, I was so sad to go back to work, that I had Troy get a copy of health benefits from his EMT job. I almost cried when I saw the cost of insuring just the three of us through their company. It would have taken Troy’s ENTIRE paycheck, just to get cut rate health coverage.
-Almost every morning, when my alarm goes off at 4:30 am, I really want to quit my job and blog full-time. However, the health insurance issue (above) remains, and honestly, I feel like what if I actually did get the chance to stay home and blog, and I might freaking suck at it. What if this is as good as it gets, and having more time to devote to it, results in absolutely nothing? That thought gives me the boob sweats.
-Troy’s current work schedule is not sustainable, and I know that soon something will have to give. And no matter how I work it over in my mind, it is going to require me to work harder (more paid posts, articles, potential affiliations, etc.) so that he can reduce his hours. I’d be happy to have him around more, because frankly our family life is just so stressful right now. That being said, I feel like I’ll be resentful that I’m going to have to work harder so that he can work less. It makes me feel guilty for thinking that, but I’m just exhausted. We’ve been married for nine years, and Troy’s never had a conventional work schedule, except for 11 months (and he was so miserable at that job). I’m just exhausted. I want normal. I want predictable. I don’t want to be a single mom anymore, and I don’t want my kid crying because his dad isn’t around anymore. I’m OVER it.
-I bought a Ghiradelli chocolate and caramel bar to use for an ice cream recipe that I conceptualized in my head. Unfortunately, I ate it all in one sitting before I got the chance. Whoops.
Care to share any confessions of your own? It feels so good!
My guy is a vet and is going to school through a job blah blah rehab crap with the VA. I’m glad he is going to school to be a better person or whatever, but his goal after he receives his masters this summer is to go back and get a different degree. He has already been in school for around five years. I don’t want a perpetual student. I would like to go to school too or spend more time with our child, but I am the one working to make sure our daughter has insurance. He gets his healthcare through the VA. I’m sure it makes me a bitch for feeling resentful…
If you’re a bitch, pull up a chair and let’s have some ice cream, because I’m right there with you.
I ate all the ingredients I bought to make breakfast bars before I made them.
I’m a little stressed right now.
Well, technically, you still made breakfast bars. In your belly.
PS, this is the first time I “said” that out loud. It feels great 🙂
I finally landed a part-time job with decent, affordable benefits and I am scared shitless that I will not like staying at home two days a week with my two year old. I’m scared that he would be better off with more money in our family and less time with me.
Huge hugs! I’m sure it is going to work out, but those “new situation” jitters are always there.
I love the honesty in your blog! It cracks me up to see bloggers who photo all these DIY projects and a perfect home when I know darn well they hid all the stuff to take a photo. I work 32 hours a week outside the home and like many others, I work 40+ hours a week in the home. Confessions – only 1… I am HAPPY school is starting back in less than 2 weeks here. Yes I LOVE my son and LOVE being with him but it is so much easier to have a schedule.
I understand the insurance thing unfortunately. If I am ever able to have a child I would love to stay at home with them. But when you factor in how much the health insurance would cost there is absolutely no way. 🙁
Let’s pray that you and he both can find more reasonable jobs, with better time or money or both.
Amen!
When my youngest daughter was little, she was a drama queen when she got the tiniest scratch. I learned fast that and it was worth the cost of bandaids to pop one on her microscopic ‘injury’ to “shut her up”.
I also feel that sometimes “because I said so” (without swearing, though) is a perfectly acceptable response. Just not too often or it loses it’s potency. One of my favourites is “because you live here”. They can’t argue that one. (“Why do I have to [insert chore here]?” “Because you live here too. Everyone helps out.” End of discussion.)
My confession: I hate when people think that just because my husband makes enough money that I can stay home, I have all day free and lots of money and can meet them for coffee any time they want. I have better things to do and better things to spend my money on than hanging out at a coffee shop for hours every school day. (one in a while is nice though)
I don’t tend to walk between vehicles in parking lots much anyways (I always park out in the middle of nowhere) But now I have a reason to never do it!
I love the “because you live here”! My favorite response that Jack can’t refute is “that is how Jesus wants it”. “Mommy, why is the sky blue”? “Because that is how Jesus wants it”.
i love confessions (and your blog)! here are some of my dark secrets: i, too, won’t walk between vans for fear of getting snatched, but i also have a secret fantasy of getting snatched and employing my self-defense class skills to escape (get close in, slam the groin w/my knee, and when they double over, take hold of their ears and slam their face into my knee. and then run like hell. and also like a badass). i don’t like pregnancy and a lot of women don’t like that i openly don’t like it. i believe that as long as i love my kid, i don’t have to be into the gestation. fuck that. when i walk by swimming pools and subway platforms and i’m holding something like keys or a bag in my hand, i have to consciously keep a firm grip on it because all i want to do, for some inexplicable reason, is just let the thing i’m holding fly into the deep end of the pool or onto the rails. i don’t understand this urge. i just know i have it.
Oh man, I totally think about using self defense skills too, but sadly I don’t actually have any self defense skills, so my dreams are so crazy!
Ok, the I totally get the keys thing. Sometimes I just want to toss things out a window over a bridge.
I am fearful to walk between two vans too because I don’t want to be snatched either. I think that we need to stop watching the scary movies!!! I love the boob sweats- I laughed out loud. I love your blog and I can’t believe that you do this and work full time. I would love to use my blog to make money but I am afraid to make the jump and figure out what to do! I know that if I could do half of what you do then I would be doing good 🙂 I also texted my husband yesterday and asked if I could hit my 4 year old over the head to hope that he would pass out and take a nap so we all have those days!!!
I actually won’t watch scary movies, so that makes me every more paranoid and crazy!
Did your husband agree to the head knocking? A friend of mine and I dream of partnering up to create “Bambien” which would be baby Ambien. We’ll be billionaires.