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Confessions – May

It is that time of the month again folks.

No, not that time of the month sillies!

The time each month when I unburden myself of the silliest of silly secrets, we have a giggle, and then you share your own.

Without further ado…

  1. I don’t know my own eye color. No, seriously. They used to be fairly blue, then took on more of a green hue, and now they’re all whatever. When Jack was younger and loved to identify people by certain traits (hair color, height, eye color), we’d say “and what color are mommies’ eyes”? Blank stare. No answer. When we moved back from California I went to the DMV to get a Washington State drivers license. I left the eye color section blank on the form and the woman said “you need to put something down”. I opened my eyes widely and stared at her. Blank stare. No answer. After a few minutes of trying to figure it out, she finally wrote “green” on my driver’s license.
  2. I don’t get sun visors. You know, those hats that golfers wear all the time. Sure, they protect your face, but what about your ears and scalp? Is the intent just to keep your face out of the sun? Isn’t that like wearing sun-blocking pants but then a bikini top?
  3. Years ago when I first started blogging I didn’t yet have my thick “internet strangers can be assholes” skin. A woman once emailed me a TWO page long email to tell me how I was trying too hard to be quirky (specifically called out my “Hippie Shit” page as an example) and weird. Not knowing better, I sent her a very nice long response. And never heard back from her. 2018 me would just respond “I’m actually trying too hard to seem normal. This blog version of me is way less weird than I am in real life”. And maybe or maybe not a PS, go fuck yourself. Who knows.
  4. My house is too full of yelling. And easily 75% of it is coming from me. With the weather heating up I’m trying harder to yell less because our windows are open and our neighbors may assume a drill sergeant has moved into our house. I’ve read all the books, tried all the calm and nurturing tactics. Some of them have lasted a few weeks. Some minutes. Other days. Conclusion: It isn’t me. My kids and nephew are assholes who are hard of hearing.
  5. I can’t believe we’re raising a generation of kids who don’t get to watch afterschool specials. How else will they know to not do drugs, drink alcohol under a bridge, tell a lie, cheat on a test, or shoplift? Listen, people, the only way to learn life lessons is to watch 28 year olds pretending to be 15 in acid-washed jeans and high tops make mistakes.
  6. I don’t get the appeal of Google Home/Alexa/whateverthehellelse they sell. I mean, my phone does all that stuff. Do I really want a machine listening to my every word? I promise you within six days that little judgy robot voice would say “Sarah, stop yelling”.
  7. I made the decision back in February that Jack was going to start making his lunch for school every day starting in April. During spring break he got in big trouble for lying to me and I had to come up with a punishment that made him realize how serious it was without also screwing up an activity we had planned for the day (canceling it would have impacted Bennett too). So, I told him his punishment was making his lunch for the rest of the school year.
  8. I go to a Lutheran church. Picture a lot of Norwegians where the average age is probably in the 60’s. Our praise band has really stepped up their game in the music department and we now have a guitar (ohhhhhh). Anytime a song is really good I cringe because I know inevitably people will start clapping along. Listen, I love that the spirit is moving you, but collectively as a church, we have NO RHYTHM. Honky AF. I always hope that there aren’t first-time visitors there on “janky group clap” days.
  9. Anytime Jack does something with zero common sense in mind I want to yell “get it together kid – the tests say you’re smart”.
  10. There are days I would rather keep my kids inside doing nothing and driving me nuts, simply because anything is better than the stupid ass battle over applying sunscreen. For frick sakes kids, I’m putting lotion on your bodies. It’s not like I’m rubbing ground in glass onto your skin.

Alrighty, folks, that is it for me! Your turn.

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47 comments on “Confessions – May”

  1. I live in Louisiana where windows are never open in the heat, unless the A/C is out and then the neighbors windows are closed.
    Yelling is an acceptable form of communication with my 16 year old son. I call him practice kid 2.0. I’m not a rookie mom, so frankly I thought he would be my golden child. I feel certain God laughed at this thought.
    Our church is surprisingly joyful and has rhythm and relatively popular music. No one on the stage is over 25 except our pianist, who is only 15 in her heart! I don’t clap, but I do sing.
    I don’t like my food to touch. This brings great joy to my family as they tease me.
    I wish I was as free spirited as my daughter. She’s like a hippie only born in 1994 and finally figuring out how to adult.
    My husband is our glue. He’s the calm in the storm, the one who grounds us in a good way, not in the “You’re Amish now, give me everything with a screen and a charger” way.
    I read your blog because you are refreshing and quirky. Don’t let the muggles get you down.

    • Oh yeah, I have no idea how you guys all survive down there with heat and humidity. I’d be peacing out so fast because I’m the biggest heat whimp ever.

      I love “practice kid 2.0”. That is the best term I have heard in years.

  2. This was a fun read!!  Makes me want to do one for my blog.  My eyes are mud brown.  When I was little, I was silently proud of having brown eyes because the only two peeps in my 7 member family that had brown eyes, were me and my mom.  But, as I’ve grown into an adult.  The novelty wore off and now I look at my hubby’s green eyes, or my sisters bright blue eyes and think, “Why me?”  Hubby loves my eyes and tells me often that they are warm, and comforting.  So, I have that to go back on.  One more thing, I get nervous when the windows are open in the spring/summer/fall because I’m a really silly person and do weird funny things with my voice when my hubby is home.  He has learned to do it back to me so if anyone were listening, I’d be deeply embarrassed for a nano second before I came to my senses and realized that if the listeners didn’t like it, they can cover their ears when they pass my house.  🙂

    • It’s funny to be silly and my community here loves confessions. They are always the most popular post of the month! We all want to see people as fellow odd humans I suppose.

      Love your podcast and thanks so much for the comment.

  3. Yesterday, after the 869th time yelling at my oldest son to stay on the grass and not in the gravel driveway where his toddler brother would follow, I had to yell… “get on the damn grass before I rip both your legs off and beat you to death with them!”…to which my mother (who mind you, was on speakerphone while I watched my kids play) was not impressed. she loves me, gets me, and knows me better than anyone, but really loathes my language and empty threats of violence. But they work so well!!!!!

    We have had a HORRRRRIBLE stomach virus in our house cycling through everyone the last couple weeks, and it has been so bad, that I may or may not have actually shit my pants. 

    I have a china cabinet that someone gave my husband and I as a wedding “gift” – I’m putting “gift” in quotes because it was a family friend who was moving to Texas (we live in Michigan) and i know they just didn’t want to move the damn mammoth of a cabinet, so they pawned it off on us as a “family treasure” they wanted to pass on to us….blow it out your ass. But of course we took it, because I have mega Catholic-guilt. I have China in it that I’ve never used and probably will never use because I (like you) am the only female at our house, and who wants to come into a house with 1 husband, 2 boys, and 2 male dogs. Nuts/balls, farts, poop, fortnight, plants vs. zombies, legos, pokemon, minecraft, cars, trucks, racing, wrestling…blah blah blah. 

    I love the idea of entertaining, but when it comes down to the day/day before I becoming a raging megabitch to everyone I love. 

    I’ve let my kids watch Mr. Bean for an entire day straight, and now they think its hilarious to unzip their flies, and stick their fingers out them and wiggle them around – classy AF right?

    • Omg, ha Madison! Cracking up at that phone call.

      You poor thing. I hope that tummy bug is gone as you all rebuild and gain some weight back. Those things are brutal.

  4. I’m laughing hysterically over the Alexa comment. I would be yelling and cursing at it.

  5. 1. I’m a reformed yeller who will fall off the wagon from time to time. You know it’s bad when your daughter goes and closes the window for you mid yell 
    2. My neighbors got new siding and I’m jealous of the color. I stare at their home way longer than I should. I’m weird. 
    3. My hubby hates constant usage of emojis while texting so I try to only text him with emojis. He will finally give me a STOP and I will give him a solid ? back! It’s our love language lol 
    4.  We have an Alexa. She is fun to yell at though. I also tell her all my secret spy stuff too. We do keep her outta the bedroom because nobody needs to repeat that “business” back to the govt. 
    5.  I have a stack of thank you notes that I found in a box from Christmas that I thought I sent out. From 2015! I’m thinking…too late?!  Late AF! 

  6. I have told my children many times that if they don’t listen the first three times I say something, yes I am going to YELL IT.   They continue to act surprised at my lack of self control.  When I coached tennis, if I had to say something three times that meant my team had to run.  Maybe I need to start THAT rule with my own kids!!!

    My kids (7, 9 and 10) make their own lunches.  If they want leftovers or soup in thermoses instead of a sandwich I do that part in the morning.  But they have to get the rest (fruit, hummus, chips/pretzels/carrots, and water) every night after dinner.  I think it’s good for them to take on the responsibility, but I do feel a little hypocritical since I’m pretty sure my dad still made my lunch for me in high school.

    • Lately, I’ve been saying a calm psycho Stepford voice “do you hear how calm and nice I am? Do you think I will stay that nice and calm if you don’t do what I say”? It works for Jack, Bennett doesn’t understand it, and it doesn’t remotely phase my nephew.

  7. I’m the bad influence parent. I’m the one that says what all the other parents are thinking. I use the F bomb too much but people seem to like me. Plus also they always know what I’m thinking. 

    After being a single parent and doing the daily grind for 14 years by myself, most outsiders are appalled at how we talk to each other in my house. But when I say “If you little fucking assholes don’t get your lazy asses off the couch and clean out this dishwasher right now I’m going to choke the everloving shit out of you!” they get up and do it. They may also say “Mom why are you being such a hooker right now?!” as they walk past me, but we know the love is real here and so is the irritation. 

    Everyone assumes my boys haven’t gotten their licenses yet because either I’m too overprotective or they’re lazy. The truth is, my best friend of 32 years was killed in a car accident not long after they turned 16 and it scared them so badly they physically shook when I asked them if they wanted to drive. I just let everyone assume what they wanted so the boys didn’t have to listen to everyone call them pussies. 

    • Bwahaaaa, I love it!

      I’m so very sorry to hear about your friend. I wish you and your boys peace and grace through this healing journey.

  8. I like to think I am a nice person. I am never mean intentionally. Until yesterday. This lady walks her dog by my house daily. My dog goes crazy because she wants to visit with her dog. The lady yells “Shut up” to my pup and it doesn’t matter if my kids are outside, which is not cool in my book. She was walking by yesterday and my dog was inside. I let my dog out loudly saying “Go say hi to your friend!!!” The lady’s dog tried dragging her backward when he saw my dog. She was so annoyed and I kept loudly saying “Lacy say hi to your friend!” I didn’t See her today. Maybe being dragged by her dog was a good thing. It sure was for me watching. ??

    • I love it. So much great passive aggressive “go eff yourself” behavior! I know there are some yippy dogs on our walking route and I avoid those houses if Bennett falls asleep in the stroller.

      I kind of wish you had filmed it.

  9. Ugh, I get so frustrated when Emma has her dumb moments. She is so literally that sometimes that’s the problem, other times she’s over thinking it, and other times she’s just oblivious.
    My confession- I think most people who own a dog shouldn’t. It blows my mind how some people have no concept of what it takes to have a well behaved dog. A woman came by the shelter I volunteer at and kept yelling at one of the dogs to heel. She then asked, in a huff, “why won’t this dog heel?!”
    Well, Ma’am, no one has trained her how. They don’t come preprogrammed.

    • What kind of lazy volunteer are you that you don’t pre-train every stray before introducing them to the public? I mean c’mon Tina, get with it!

  10. Or how do they know not to put things in their mouth?? It might look good to eat! 
    Also, I say I have green eyes but they definitely change to blue or grey depending on what I’m wearing… so probably hazel. 

  11. Sorry about typos!
    “Sappy” not “Sabi” and “To me” not “Timmy” .
    That’s what I get for using voice recognition

  12. 1. We have started watching 7th Heaven with the grandkids so they can learn all about the things are missing from no after-school specials. It is so Sabi and sweet it makes you want to puke but the kids love love love it.
    I reckon our family is so crazy they need somewhere to see some actual examples of good behavior because they’re not getting it for most of us.
    2. Alexa sounds like the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. I concur about the phone. Timmy smartphones are one of the most brilliant Innovations ever. So incredibly effective, useful, efficient.
    3. We don’t normally go to church but we took our grandkids to a church picnic recently in our neighborhood as we could walk there and it seems like a good way to meet people in the neighborhood. A drunk fight broke out. Yes a drunk fight at a church picnic. I’m just going to leave it at that.
    4. I to yell at everyone and I find it is good for them. I meet too many snowflake type people in the world and technically, politically I am a snowflake, but let me tell you I am no effing snowflake. I don’t think it’s good for children to experience the world being all nice and pleasant because that isn’t how it really is. So I yell at my grandkids all the time and they’re okay with it. And they actually seem to learn things eventually. But sometimes they are complete and utter idiots and I’m amazed that they remember to inhale and exhale.

    • Oh, my I remember 7th Heaven when it was on TV! I think I made it through half a season and even as a tween I was like “nope”.

      A drunk fight at a church picnic? Goodness. Someone didn’t bless that communion wine beforehand. So are you hooked? Are you going to that church now each week just to see what happens? lol.

      I really want to find someone on Etsy to make you a shirt that says “I am a snowflake, but let me tell you, I’m not effing snowflake”.

  13. Re: #9 – At my house with my almost 11-year-old Jack, we refer to those as “Midvale Moments” from the Far Side comic. If you’ve not seen it, do a Google search for “Midvale School of the Gifted”.

    • Yessssss! We used to do that too, but then Jack got his hands on Troy’s old Far Side gallery books at my inlaws and was going to catch on.

  14. #4 yesssssss!! I have no idea how its going to go when they are home this summer! Yikes!

    My confessions: 1- I sometimes hide in my closet when my kids and husband are driving me crazy. 2- I don’t like yellow cheese (American or Velveeta), this stems from childhood. I won’t touch standard macaroni and cheese. Bleck! 3- I can’t eat bananas or avocados.Both make me horribly sick to my stomach. 4- I love to throw things away. I make it a regular habit to go in my kids rooms when they are at school and just fill up bags with junk. They never even miss it. Also, I maybe keep 5% of what my kids bring home from school.

    Confessions are some of my favorite posts!! Thanks for sharing 🙂

    • Jack told me how many days left in school the other day and I almost panicked. Between him at school and Bennett at preschool, I rely on them being gone to get my writing and photography done. I’m already sick about it. Our local movie theater does older movies once a week for $1. We’re going to all go one day in two separate cars to see if Bennett can sit through a movie. And if not one of us will take him home or to the park. If it does work then I’ll make it a weekly thing just to get 90 minutes of them not asking me for shit.

      How big is your closet? Is there room for me too? American and Velveeta aren’t actual cheese.

      Troy has the exact same issues with bananas and avocados! He has been eating a lot of both on Whole30 but actually is handling it better than normal right now.

      Purging crap and kid toys are the BEST!

  15. What does Jack take in his lunches? My older kid will be in first grade next year and my younger in kindergarten and I HATE making lunches. Don’t know why. But if I could make it their job, I’d be so happy.

    • I’m so thankful he takes the same thing each and every day. He’s like me and can/will eat the same thing for a year at a time. Four days a week he takes 4 slices of Boar’s Head ham, a sliced apple, a seasonal fruit (mandarins in winter, berries in late spring and early fall), Stacy’s Organic pita chips, water, and a treat from the giant basket full of all the holiday candy that we somehow manage to accumulate. On Wednesdays he buys hot lunch because it is something called “pizza rippers”. Gross.

  16. Whoa, so right, Brenda, time is currency and I amazon the hell outta things rather than run around to 20 stores looking for something. Bing, I’m done, I found it, it’s on my doorstoop. Worth that stupid $120 they have upped it to now. I just don’t have the patience, either, because there are certain products/items that no, I won’t settle for *that* flavor/ color/ fragrance etc. I just want what I want when I want/need it.
    And yeah, I have to agree with the yelling. Both my husband and I have sliiiight hearing issues, but also, my kids know if I’m annoyed. And they know that I’ll yell, they’ll do it, and we’re done. There’s no “low blows,” there’s no “re-hashes,” there’s no insults in our house. “I’m mad because you didn’t ===. Now go do it NOW.” It is healthy to show annoyance and anger. Just like weather, it blows in, it happens, it blows out.
    Oh, so with you on Alexa and whatnot. I don’t need music blasting in my ear all the time and I’m a visual learner so I can’t “hear” the weather and actually process what she said. Plus who wants Anthony Hopkins in their house? HA!
    Oh yeah, who **didn’t** have a crush on Lance Kerwin in the early 80s? He must have been like 25 doing those after-school specials.
    I’m hearing that churches in my town are all aging, too. Not many younger families joining. It’s sad, really. Only the Catholic church in my town is thriving because it has a school.
    Hmmm confessions of my own? I wish I could fall asleep standing up, any time, any place like my husband. He’s got it down to a science. He could be mid-sentence. What is up with that.
    Also i wish weather were like in the musical Camelot. Like, only rain at night for an hour; snow, where appropriate, like 2″ (as appropriate — ski slopes need their money); none of this 99° and 99% humidity stuff in my area in the summer, you know, like that.

    • Gah, Amazon is the best (for most things!). Our UPS delivery driver, Felix, is part of our family. I’m annoyed with the price change because sometimes I order prime things and it doesn’t come for a week. And because we’re in a small town we don’t get any Sunday deliveries and the one-day delivery with qualified purchased rarely applies to us. But I’ll still pay it and I’ll still order a bunch through there. I like to support local businesses when they have similar items.

      Anthony Hopkins is one of the AI voices?!

      Our church seems to be on the reverse aging trend. We’ve have so many new families joining that the kid section is getting really full (great problem to have). Our pastor is my age and has two small kids. We’ve created a kid zone in the sanctuary and have made the services kid-friendly (without being too disruptive) and it seems like each week there is a new family coming.

  17. Spray sun block? I have weird eyes too, brown/green or as described by godson – mossy which I can live with. No after school specials that I remember but we did have Grange Hill – which was like a kids soap opera set in a school and that covered affairs with teachers, drug taking and all the other social evils so I guess we were covered.
    I love your sneakiness with the lunch making, I also when he’s a bit older getting him to do all his own ironing, we had to do ours when we turned 13 and had to pay Ma if we wanted her to do it. To this day if she irons any of my clothes we joke about it being £1 per item!

    It drives me really nuts when people say I or myself when they should say me. Especially in work emails – ‘please come and see Jess and I’ no, it’s ‘Jess and me’. It’s just a ridiculous hill to die on but there I am. When I’m not on the hill marked ‘should HAVE not should OF’

    • Grange Hill! Zammo was an after school special all by himself.

    • We use a squirt kind that is super easy to apply. The spray stuff is pretty terrible. It is an environmental nightmare, it doesn’t apply enough to be effective, and it’s bad for anyone with asthma (my nephew and Troy).

      Grange Hill sounds fascinating. I’m sure it was super scandalous back in the day but would look like a pious show these days.

      We never iron but if we did I would make him do it too. I love that your mom charged you all!

    • I loved Grange Hill.. it started the year before I went to secondary school and scared the everluvung shit out of me.
      Also another with weird eyes.. shades of green and grey here. Change with mood. After I’ve been crying they are emerald!

      • Mine are a turquoise(ish) when I cry! It’s pretty but I’m an ugly crier so the rest of that is not so great.

    • And there’s that hill marked bored WITH, not bored OF!!

  18. All these made me giggle!! I am also a yeller and I have to watch it as it gets hotter and windows stay open ? damn kids! But they can be sooo annoying! My kids are freakin loud all the time though so im sure the neighbors are used to the shouting somewhat. 
    And yeah those alexa’s And the like are creepy as ****! I even get creeped out from the phones and laptops. 

  19. 1. I have been trying not to swear as often because I have caught myself doing it in front of the grands and I would prefer they not hear it. But I work in the ER and “Are you f-ing kidding me??!!” tends to be an every day occurrence, several time a day. Sigh. 2.I could never understand why my life was always so chaotic…and I have had an epiphany just this week that time is a currency, too! Are you f-ing kidding me??!! How could it be possible that it took me 50+ years to figure this out???

    And I totally get the yelling thing, but I’ve learned that yelling didn’t tell my now adult kids that I didn’t love and respect them and they never had to guess what my issues were. It was crystal clear. They have friends that grew up in very quiet homes that made them feel like they were walking on egg shells all the time. Just be you 🙂

    • Ha ha, I know those ER employees can really let the curses fly!

      I like your mindset – yelling is love, awareness, and comforting in letting people know where they stand.

  20. Oh & my confessions.

    I have a favorite child (I can’t help it).
    I want to run away (hubs & kids can come too) and live like the free spirited.
    I have a recurring daydream that I’m Stevie Nicks.
    I can’t stand most of my co-workers.

  21. And I’m thinking you have hazel eyes since they change color probably with what your wearing? My hubs has them & his eyes are different depending on what he’s wearing

  22. Putting sunscreen on pale kids is a part time job. 

    I often think about how i can go from bitchy Mom to bright and sunshine to teach classes with the blink of an eye. Something isn’t right about that. 

    I want to drop everything and move to the northwest. Just because. 

    I have a favorite kid most times. Sssshhhh. 

    • There is nothing wrong with that my love. It’s called “compartmentalizing” and it’s a very useful life skill. Especially when one’s kids are being asshats.

  23. I was just telling my daughters about the after school specials about eating disorders last night. For how cheesy they were, I remember them well!