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Confessions – May

It is that time of the month again folks.

No, not that time of the month sillies!

The time each month when I unburden myself of the silliest of silly secrets, we have a giggle, and then you share your own.

Without further ado…

  1. I don’t know my own eye color. No, seriously. They used to be fairly blue, then took on more of a green hue, and now they’re all whatever. When Jack was younger and loved to identify people by certain traits (hair color, height, eye color), we’d say “and what color are mommies’ eyes”? Blank stare. No answer. When we moved back from California I went to the DMV to get a Washington State drivers license. I left the eye color section blank on the form and the woman said “you need to put something down”. I opened my eyes widely and stared at her. Blank stare. No answer. After a few minutes of trying to figure it out, she finally wrote “green” on my driver’s license.
  2. I don’t get sun visors. You know, those hats that golfers wear all the time. Sure, they protect your face, but what about your ears and scalp? Is the intent just to keep your face out of the sun? Isn’t that like wearing sun-blocking pants but then a bikini top?
  3. Years ago when I first started blogging I didn’t yet have my thick “internet strangers can be assholes” skin. A woman once emailed me a TWO page long email to tell me how I was trying too hard to be quirky (specifically called out my “Hippie Shit” page as an example) and weird. Not knowing better, I sent her a very nice long response. And never heard back from her. 2018 me would just respond “I’m actually trying too hard to seem normal. This blog version of me is way less weird than I am in real life”. And maybe or maybe not a PS, go fuck yourself. Who knows.
  4. My house is too full of yelling. And easily 75% of it is coming from me. With the weather heating up I’m trying harder to yell less because our windows are open and our neighbors may assume a drill sergeant has moved into our house. I’ve read all the books, tried all the calm and nurturing tactics. Some of them have lasted a few weeks. Some minutes. Other days. Conclusion: It isn’t me. My kids and nephew are assholes who are hard of hearing.
  5. I can’t believe we’re raising a generation of kids who don’t get to watch afterschool specials. How else will they know to not do drugs, drink alcohol under a bridge, tell a lie, cheat on a test, or shoplift? Listen, people, the only way to learn life lessons is to watch 28 year olds pretending to be 15 in acid-washed jeans and high tops make mistakes.
  6. I don’t get the appeal of Google Home/Alexa/whateverthehellelse they sell. I mean, my phone does all that stuff. Do I really want a machine listening to my every word? I promise you within six days that little judgy robot voice would say “Sarah, stop yelling”.
  7. I made the decision back in February that Jack was going to start making his lunch for school every day starting in April. During spring break he got in big trouble for lying to me and I had to come up with a punishment that made him realize how serious it was without also screwing up an activity we had planned for the day (canceling it would have impacted Bennett too). So, I told him his punishment was making his lunch for the rest of the school year.
  8. I go to a Lutheran church. Picture a lot of Norwegians where the average age is probably in the 60’s. Our praise band has really stepped up their game in the music department and we now have a guitar (ohhhhhh). Anytime a song is really good I cringe because I know inevitably people will start clapping along. Listen, I love that the spirit is moving you, but collectively as a church, we have NO RHYTHM. Honky AF. I always hope that there aren’t first-time visitors there on “janky group clap” days.
  9. Anytime Jack does something with zero common sense in mind I want to yell “get it together kid – the tests say you’re smart”.
  10. There are days I would rather keep my kids inside doing nothing and driving me nuts, simply because anything is better than the stupid ass battle over applying sunscreen. For frick sakes kids, I’m putting lotion on your bodies. It’s not like I’m rubbing ground in glass onto your skin.

Alrighty, folks, that is it for me! Your turn.

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47 comments on “Confessions – May”

  1. I’m laughing hysterically over the Alexa comment. I would be yelling and cursing at it.

  2. 1. I’m a reformed yeller who will fall off the wagon from time to time. You know it’s bad when your daughter goes and closes the window for you mid yell 
    2. My neighbors got new siding and I’m jealous of the color. I stare at their home way longer than I should. I’m weird. 
    3. My hubby hates constant usage of emojis while texting so I try to only text him with emojis. He will finally give me a STOP and I will give him a solid ? back! It’s our love language lol 
    4.  We have an Alexa. She is fun to yell at though. I also tell her all my secret spy stuff too. We do keep her outta the bedroom because nobody needs to repeat that “business” back to the govt. 
    5.  I have a stack of thank you notes that I found in a box from Christmas that I thought I sent out. From 2015! I’m thinking…too late?!  Late AF! 

  3. I have told my children many times that if they don’t listen the first three times I say something, yes I am going to YELL IT.   They continue to act surprised at my lack of self control.  When I coached tennis, if I had to say something three times that meant my team had to run.  Maybe I need to start THAT rule with my own kids!!!

    My kids (7, 9 and 10) make their own lunches.  If they want leftovers or soup in thermoses instead of a sandwich I do that part in the morning.  But they have to get the rest (fruit, hummus, chips/pretzels/carrots, and water) every night after dinner.  I think it’s good for them to take on the responsibility, but I do feel a little hypocritical since I’m pretty sure my dad still made my lunch for me in high school.

    • Lately, I’ve been saying a calm psycho Stepford voice “do you hear how calm and nice I am? Do you think I will stay that nice and calm if you don’t do what I say”? It works for Jack, Bennett doesn’t understand it, and it doesn’t remotely phase my nephew.

  4. I’m the bad influence parent. I’m the one that says what all the other parents are thinking. I use the F bomb too much but people seem to like me. Plus also they always know what I’m thinking. 

    After being a single parent and doing the daily grind for 14 years by myself, most outsiders are appalled at how we talk to each other in my house. But when I say “If you little fucking assholes don’t get your lazy asses off the couch and clean out this dishwasher right now I’m going to choke the everloving shit out of you!” they get up and do it. They may also say “Mom why are you being such a hooker right now?!” as they walk past me, but we know the love is real here and so is the irritation. 

    Everyone assumes my boys haven’t gotten their licenses yet because either I’m too overprotective or they’re lazy. The truth is, my best friend of 32 years was killed in a car accident not long after they turned 16 and it scared them so badly they physically shook when I asked them if they wanted to drive. I just let everyone assume what they wanted so the boys didn’t have to listen to everyone call them pussies. 

    • Bwahaaaa, I love it!

      I’m so very sorry to hear about your friend. I wish you and your boys peace and grace through this healing journey.

  5. I like to think I am a nice person. I am never mean intentionally. Until yesterday. This lady walks her dog by my house daily. My dog goes crazy because she wants to visit with her dog. The lady yells “Shut up” to my pup and it doesn’t matter if my kids are outside, which is not cool in my book. She was walking by yesterday and my dog was inside. I let my dog out loudly saying “Go say hi to your friend!!!” The lady’s dog tried dragging her backward when he saw my dog. She was so annoyed and I kept loudly saying “Lacy say hi to your friend!” I didn’t See her today. Maybe being dragged by her dog was a good thing. It sure was for me watching. ??

    • I love it. So much great passive aggressive “go eff yourself” behavior! I know there are some yippy dogs on our walking route and I avoid those houses if Bennett falls asleep in the stroller.

      I kind of wish you had filmed it.

  6. Ugh, I get so frustrated when Emma has her dumb moments. She is so literally that sometimes that’s the problem, other times she’s over thinking it, and other times she’s just oblivious.
    My confession- I think most people who own a dog shouldn’t. It blows my mind how some people have no concept of what it takes to have a well behaved dog. A woman came by the shelter I volunteer at and kept yelling at one of the dogs to heel. She then asked, in a huff, “why won’t this dog heel?!”
    Well, Ma’am, no one has trained her how. They don’t come preprogrammed.

    • What kind of lazy volunteer are you that you don’t pre-train every stray before introducing them to the public? I mean c’mon Tina, get with it!

  7. Or how do they know not to put things in their mouth?? It might look good to eat! 
    Also, I say I have green eyes but they definitely change to blue or grey depending on what I’m wearing… so probably hazel. 

  8. Sorry about typos!
    “Sappy” not “Sabi” and “To me” not “Timmy” .
    That’s what I get for using voice recognition

  9. 1. We have started watching 7th Heaven with the grandkids so they can learn all about the things are missing from no after-school specials. It is so Sabi and sweet it makes you want to puke but the kids love love love it.
    I reckon our family is so crazy they need somewhere to see some actual examples of good behavior because they’re not getting it for most of us.
    2. Alexa sounds like the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. I concur about the phone. Timmy smartphones are one of the most brilliant Innovations ever. So incredibly effective, useful, efficient.
    3. We don’t normally go to church but we took our grandkids to a church picnic recently in our neighborhood as we could walk there and it seems like a good way to meet people in the neighborhood. A drunk fight broke out. Yes a drunk fight at a church picnic. I’m just going to leave it at that.
    4. I to yell at everyone and I find it is good for them. I meet too many snowflake type people in the world and technically, politically I am a snowflake, but let me tell you I am no effing snowflake. I don’t think it’s good for children to experience the world being all nice and pleasant because that isn’t how it really is. So I yell at my grandkids all the time and they’re okay with it. And they actually seem to learn things eventually. But sometimes they are complete and utter idiots and I’m amazed that they remember to inhale and exhale.

    • Oh, my I remember 7th Heaven when it was on TV! I think I made it through half a season and even as a tween I was like “nope”.

      A drunk fight at a church picnic? Goodness. Someone didn’t bless that communion wine beforehand. So are you hooked? Are you going to that church now each week just to see what happens? lol.

      I really want to find someone on Etsy to make you a shirt that says “I am a snowflake, but let me tell you, I’m not effing snowflake”.

  10. Re: #9 – At my house with my almost 11-year-old Jack, we refer to those as “Midvale Moments” from the Far Side comic. If you’ve not seen it, do a Google search for “Midvale School of the Gifted”.

    • Yessssss! We used to do that too, but then Jack got his hands on Troy’s old Far Side gallery books at my inlaws and was going to catch on.