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As I like to say each month, confessions are good for the soul. I unload what is weighing me down, and hopefully you get a laugh or two, or at least feel like you’re normal. And in return, I get to read a few of your confessions.
1) A few months ago, my friend made a 50 Shades of Grey joke. I looked at her blankly. She said “you don’t have to enjoy the books, but you at least need to read them to understand the late night jokes”. I don’t have cable, so late night jokes aren’t really important to me, but I figured I would try to understand some of the context.
But being cheap, I downloaded a free 50 Shades-like book from Amazon.
I got through about two chapters before I had to stop because it was so bad. Not just the smutty stuff, but the writing was TERRIBLE.
But now, I can’t delete the stupid thing from my Kindle, and every time I view the lists of books, it’s just there, taunting me.
Even worse, Amazon spent a few months making recommendations for me because of that stupid book. I’d get a recommendations like “Sarah, other dumb sluts also enjoyed xyz”.
Ugh, Amazon, how you judge me.
2) I want a tree to fall our neighbor’s house.
Stay with me on this one.
The “house” is a rusted out disgusting rat trap of a mobile home. It’s at least 50 years old, and the siding has fallen off and I can only imagine how terrible it is in there. The owner always talks about how he’d like to get a new trailer, but can’t find the motivation to “make it happen”.
Hence, my hope for the tree. Also, his stupid cedar tree poops cedar turds all over our driveway and front yard. AND the dang thing covers my garden for two hours during the winter when daylight is extremely precious, and one ish hours during the summer, but doesn’t cover the house to provide a lick of shade.
For the record, I don’t want him home when the tree falls over, nor would I want anyone hurt. He’s declared his intent, and my hope is the tree assists him in the endeavor.
3) I am fairly certain that I am a nicer mom during summer when my windows are open for the whole neighborhood to hear.
4) There is a part of my town that I drive through twice a day that makes me so mad I could kick a puppy. The speed limit is 25 mph, but for some unholy reason, people ALWAYS feel the need to go 15 mph through there. I don’t get it, I don’t understand it, but holy hell it pisses me off.
I didn’t realize how much it pissed me off until one day I was driving in a completely different part of town and a car pulled out in front of me, causing me to hit my brakes to avoid a collision. Jack was in the back reading a comic book and didn’t see what had happened. When I honked my horn to let the other car know “dude you almost hit me”, I heard “move it grandma, it’s 25” from the back seat.
Whoops.
5) I don’t get hipsters.
Please understand that I’m not saying I don’t like hipsters, I’m just saying I don’t understand them. Why would you want to dress like old people?
I think my confusion of them really stems from jealousy. Many hipsters wear shoes from the 50’s, and I’ve seen a ton of them wearing saddle shoes.
In second grade, I desperately wanted a pair of saddle shoes. My mom finally took me to Mervyns (remember Mervyns???) to get some, and I was dismayed to find that at 7 years old, my feet were so large, that the salesman told me I had to buy women’s shoes. Basically, I looked like the letter L.
There was one pair of women’s saddle shoes, and we got them. They KILLED my feet, and the next day at recess, I couldn’t go out and play because my feet were so blistered. I had to sit by my classroom, and watch everyone else enjoy the day. All because I had big stupid feet and wanted shoes that are now sought after by hipsters.
If anyone adopted a renewed love of Jellies, I’d probably feel the same towards them.
Also, your huge dark framed glasses remind me of Kelly McGinnis from Top Gun.
6) I wonder if people who put those huge gauges in their ears to stretch out the lobes will regret that decision at some point in their lives. Like, will there be whole groups of old people in wheelchairs at assisted living facilities with earlobes down to their shoulders? I just wonder, you know?
7) I hardly did any canning this summer. Well, any compared to last year. I just stuck to the basics like apples and tomatoes, and jams. I went shit ass crazy last year, and it really burned me out. We still have plenty of stuff to see us through should the zombies attack, but not as much as we did last year. You hear that zombies? Now would be the time.
What do you need to unload?
LMAO. on the kindle, put your finger on the book cover and leave it there and “Remove from carousel” will come up. choose it. on amazon on the website (not from the kindle store you access in the kindle) you can erase your recommendations and browsing history. i had to do similar when i was getting smutty emails due to my shopping! Actually i think i had to delete my browsing history and cookies from my kindle and my computer. that was it.
So, I’ve done all of that, but when I click on “books” at the top of the Kindle, it still shows up on the device. I’ve deleted it from the device, but it is still there taunting me!
and you’re sure that ON your books page, you are looking at the “device” page and not the … i think it’s called the cloud page because there are sub-pages. you poor dirty slut!! LOL
Maybe your kindle is different from mine but if you are trying to delete it from the carousel you touch and hold until a tiny little pop up menu comes up with three options then hit delete.
Pet peeves? School zones where the 20 mph is still enforced even when there is no school for the weekend or holiday and cops that love them.
Biggest pet peeve? People that buy baby animals (usually from a funky pet store) then decide they don’t want them because they grew up. Specifically domestic ducks and geese that can’t take care of themselves and they let them loose on a lake or pond.
So, I’ve done all of that, but when I click on “books” at the top of the Kindle, it still shows up on the device. I’ve deleted it from the device, but it is still there taunting me!
We have a few of those school zones around here, but most have converted to a sign that says “20 mph when lights are flashing” and it has yellow lights on the sign. The school can turn it on when you need to slow down, or you can just do the normal speed limit if they’re not blinking. Thank god!
My rant today …. my mayor. He actually said the “p” word for cat today and said that he was happily married and had plenty of it to eat at home. Yep. This is another proud day for Torontonians. With a crack smoking, drunk driving, prostitute frequenting, thug embracing racist/sexist head of my city like that, 50 shades would probably be a good source of spiritual comfort!
Oh yeah, I’ve been following that and it’s quite mortifying, isn’t it? Yikes, that man!
“move it, grandma” made me snort! I forget exactly what the quote was, but my oldest daughter did the same thing once (about 18 years ago). I just remember telling the Hubby that I am glad I don’t swear in front of our daughter!
That same daughter is an AVID reader and couldn’t get through Fifty Shades either. She hated (and I haven’t read it myself, so I am just going by what she says) the way the women let the men tell then what to do rather than have minds of their own -or something like that- and doesn’t understand why anyone would want to be that way. She also thought it was horribly written. She was horrified when an actress she adores was rumoured to be in the movie and thrilled when she found out the actress had no interest in it.
The gauges… Yes. there will be old people with earlobes to their shoulders and big, huge, wrinkly butterflies in their lower backs…
I’m in Canada and don’t really feel like looking up a conversion chart, but I was grumpily behind someone going 45km/h in a 60 zone today. …In my big-ass Jeep! Alone! 😉
I love these posts. And the comments. 🙂
I am so glad to hear that your daughter enjoys books and couldn’t stand 50 Shades!
45 in a 60 is not ok, regardless of if it is MPH or KM!
Especially in a big ass Jeep!
You are SO refreshing!! I love you to pieces! You remind me of my daughter, Amber! I hope you never stop being so YOU! Do NOT let anyone squelch your personality and uniqueness!
I don’t have many pet peeves so I am beginning to feel like I have a milk toast personality! I need to get passionate about SOMETHING!!! (other than my home!)
I DO remember Mervyn’s! And Joskes! When Amber was a baby her daddy LOVED to shop!! I would joke about his constant visits to UNCLE Mervyn and AUNT Joske!!!
Don’t ever stop being YOU!! You are a bright spot in the world of Blog!
Oh Linda, you’re always such a great commenter and will make my head huge if I’m not careful!
I think I live in your neighborhood! I drive by a home of a hoarder and I wish that hoarding television show would come and clean it up so I don’t have to gag each time I go to town. We also have a long stretch of road that requires only 15mph, and it is downhill, my car won’t even coast that slow. Sometimes I drive 5 miles out of my way to avoid these. My all-time worst pet peeve – womens restrooms – and women who leave little yellow pee dribbles on the toilet seat. Puhleeeze, if you tinkle it, wipe it up!!
1. I too am a much better mom (and wife) when the windows are open and the world can hear!
2. Part of my job is to manage the calendar for the co-director at work. He is out for the remainder of the week and the same person keeps asking me: can I set up time with him today? No, he is out the rest of the week. What about tomorrow afternoon? No, he is out the rest of the week. What about by phone Friday morning? Really, lady. What do you not understand about He. Is. Out. The. Rest. Of. The. Week! I don’t know how I can make you understand what that sentence means.
3. People of the world, stop stopping when merging onto the highway. You can slow down or speed up, but coming to a complete stop at the end of the on ramp is really not the way to go about getting on a highway. One of these days, I’m going to drive my big-ass Jeep up the ass end of your car. Just MOVE!
4. And while I’m mentioning my big-ass Jeep…how can you not see me when you are switching lanes? I’m right here. I’m 3 times the size of your car and there is no one in front of you (or me) so there is no reason you need to switch lanes while I am right there. Which reminds me…I was there when you were passing me, did you forget what you were doing?
5. There are days when I just want to be a bitch. When I am in that mood, let me stay in that mood. (I guess today is one of those days!)
Is there any way I could make an appointment with that dude? I need to talk to him STAT. LOL
I just have to say that I love you! Not in a weird stalker-type way but in a good gravey I wish I would get my butt motivate and start my blog back up kind of way. 😉 I also don’t get hipsters, though I do love to find and wear vintage dresses. Does that make me a hipster? At 46 years old? 😉 I also wonder how those kids will feel in 20 years when their earlobes are hanging to their shoulders. Perhaps that old song my mom used to sing to me back when we took road trips and had no radio will come back as a huge hit, “Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and for? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow?” You are welcome that now that song is going to be in your head everytime you see one of those kids. My son and his friends also informed me that kids with those things in their ears stink. Apparently funk builds up between the ear and the ring and most kids don’t take the time to clean them. Now keep your distance I don’t want to hear on the news that some lady was arrested for sniffing a Walm*rt checkout employee’s ears. 😉
I wish you’d get your blog started back up too; more than anything it is great therapy!
I too love vintage dresses, but I refuse to wear them ironically. ;-D
Ewww the ears stink? I would have never considered that a side effect!
It’s too early in the morning for confession, but I just wanted to tell you that I read 50 Shades and I found it lacking sorely on the writing. I cannot start a book and not finish it (OCD), but the entire time I kept shaking my head. On another note, I am really concerned that young women and girls that read this book buy into the whole macho, stalking, controlling lifestyle as the norm. Heck, the knight in shining armor is better than this.
You can delete from your Kindle! Unless something funny is going on with that book, there is – at a minimum – a “remove from device” option for all things loaded to your Kindle.
Also I read an article lately about body modification, and the plastic surgeon writing it said his most common client is someone coming in to have their gauge-holes sewn up.
Last – I SO feel you on the grandmas going 15 in a 25, I’ve got a spot like that as well and it drives me nutty!
So, I’ve done all of that, but when I click on “books” at the top of the Kindle, it still shows up on the device. I’ve deleted it from the device, but it is still there taunting me!