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As I like to say each month, confessions are good for the soul. I unload what is weighing me down, and hopefully you get a laugh or two, or at least feel like you’re normal. And in return, I get to read a few of your confessions.
1) A few months ago, my friend made a 50 Shades of Grey joke. I looked at her blankly. She said “you don’t have to enjoy the books, but you at least need to read them to understand the late night jokes”. I don’t have cable, so late night jokes aren’t really important to me, but I figured I would try to understand some of the context.
But being cheap, I downloaded a free 50 Shades-like book from Amazon.
I got through about two chapters before I had to stop because it was so bad. Not just the smutty stuff, but the writing was TERRIBLE.
But now, I can’t delete the stupid thing from my Kindle, and every time I view the lists of books, it’s just there, taunting me.
Even worse, Amazon spent a few months making recommendations for me because of that stupid book. I’d get a recommendations like “Sarah, other dumb sluts also enjoyed xyz”.
Ugh, Amazon, how you judge me.
2) I want a tree to fall our neighbor’s house.
Stay with me on this one.
The “house” is a rusted out disgusting rat trap of a mobile home. It’s at least 50 years old, and the siding has fallen off and I can only imagine how terrible it is in there. The owner always talks about how he’d like to get a new trailer, but can’t find the motivation to “make it happen”.
Hence, my hope for the tree. Also, his stupid cedar tree poops cedar turds all over our driveway and front yard. AND the dang thing covers my garden for two hours during the winter when daylight is extremely precious, and one ish hours during the summer, but doesn’t cover the house to provide a lick of shade.
For the record, I don’t want him home when the tree falls over, nor would I want anyone hurt. He’s declared his intent, and my hope is the tree assists him in the endeavor.
3) I am fairly certain that I am a nicer mom during summer when my windows are open for the whole neighborhood to hear.
4) There is a part of my town that I drive through twice a day that makes me so mad I could kick a puppy. The speed limit is 25 mph, but for some unholy reason, people ALWAYS feel the need to go 15 mph through there. I don’t get it, I don’t understand it, but holy hell it pisses me off.
I didn’t realize how much it pissed me off until one day I was driving in a completely different part of town and a car pulled out in front of me, causing me to hit my brakes to avoid a collision. Jack was in the back reading a comic book and didn’t see what had happened. When I honked my horn to let the other car know “dude you almost hit me”, I heard “move it grandma, it’s 25” from the back seat.
Whoops.
5) I don’t get hipsters.
Please understand that I’m not saying I don’t like hipsters, I’m just saying I don’t understand them. Why would you want to dress like old people?
I think my confusion of them really stems from jealousy. Many hipsters wear shoes from the 50’s, and I’ve seen a ton of them wearing saddle shoes.
In second grade, I desperately wanted a pair of saddle shoes. My mom finally took me to Mervyns (remember Mervyns???) to get some, and I was dismayed to find that at 7 years old, my feet were so large, that the salesman told me I had to buy women’s shoes. Basically, I looked like the letter L.
There was one pair of women’s saddle shoes, and we got them. They KILLED my feet, and the next day at recess, I couldn’t go out and play because my feet were so blistered. I had to sit by my classroom, and watch everyone else enjoy the day. All because I had big stupid feet and wanted shoes that are now sought after by hipsters.
If anyone adopted a renewed love of Jellies, I’d probably feel the same towards them.
Also, your huge dark framed glasses remind me of Kelly McGinnis from Top Gun.
6) I wonder if people who put those huge gauges in their ears to stretch out the lobes will regret that decision at some point in their lives. Like, will there be whole groups of old people in wheelchairs at assisted living facilities with earlobes down to their shoulders? I just wonder, you know?
7) I hardly did any canning this summer. Well, any compared to last year. I just stuck to the basics like apples and tomatoes, and jams. I went shit ass crazy last year, and it really burned me out. We still have plenty of stuff to see us through should the zombies attack, but not as much as we did last year. You hear that zombies? Now would be the time.
What do you need to unload?
1. It’s a very good thing that my son isn’t in the car w/me all the time! Mommy has a potty mouth, to say the least.
2. Both my hubby and my son have ADD and are extroverts. I have Bipolar and am an introvert. Not a very good combination at times.
3. I drive 70 mph almost everywhere – unless it’s obviously dangerous to do so.
4. When someone’s riding my ass on the road, I get beside a slower person and go the same/slightly faster speed as that person. Passive aggressive? Yep. Satisfying? Most definitely!
I’ve done the same find an equal speed car thing, too! I also get personal satisfaction when speedy races past, then I wind up next to them at the traffic lights!
1. I refused to read the Twilight books unless they showed up on my porch, and one day they did so I read them all. Terrible. I learned my lesson and have not said the same about 50 Shades. I plan on ever reading them.
2. For some reason FB keeps suggesting that I like a page called Afrocandy, and I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure she is a porn star, and I’m not sure where FB is getting its suggestions from.
3. People here in Florida either drive 15-20 miles over the speed limit and get angry if you don’t, or they drive 10 miles under the speed limit. Both of these things send me into a senseless rage.
4. I think my 2 year old is bipolar as she is sweet as pie one second and then meaner than a cat getting a bath the next.
5. My husband’s job might be moving us to the Seattle area after only being in the Central Florida area for 1 year and it stresses the crap out of me, but is exciting at the same time.
Never read the 50 shades book…a lady at my office liked it and I knew we did not have the same taste so I figured I’d skip it and sounds like a good choice! 🙂
1) Why can’t you delete it from your Kindle? If you hold-press the title, it will give you an option for removing it from your device, then hit Sync. Additionally, I think you can also do that through your Amazon account. Last, there is a way to edit your recommendations too, it’s somewhere in Amazon where you can ask it not to recommend you things based on something you purchased. (Good for when ordering gifts you have no interest on).
4) I have to commute on 1-lane roads, 55mph, and it’s between two “retirees” towns. Needless to say, I leave an hour early to avoid them, as I am not a fan of going 40mph when I’m trying to get from A to B.
I HATED 50 Shades of Grey and I love all books. It’s probably one of three books I’ve read in my lifetime that I’ve hated period.
My confessions 1- I feel like my husband has no emotional on switch. I know he loves me, and I know he cares about me. I have tried to talk to him several times about doing THINGS to SHOW he cares without being asked (and we aren’t talking a dozen roses here. We are talking clean out the dishwasher without me asking) and he hasn’t been able to grasp this concept yet. I don’t know why. But that’s just the way he is, and I don’t know how I should react to it. 2- I am in a new town and I’ve made some friends that I genuinely DO NOT like, but I don’t know how/ don’t want to get rid of them. I know so few people I’m afraid if I “break up” the friendship ill have no one to call in case of emergency 3- I hate being the only girl who lifts weights at my gym in the afternoon. All the guys stare or treat me like I’m mental deficient. Stop broing out bro. This is getting ridiculous. And it makes me not what to go (and I big fluffy heart the gym)
I was laughing so hard over the driving thing. My son says “come on guys!” and my husband caught me when he took him and he said it when he was driving at the intersection when the people weren’t going forward. I told him it was a big improvement over what I said pre-kids so he should be grateful there weren’t any bad words 🙂
Sounds like your son is has great car manners, and yes, so much better than what we REALLY want to say, isn’t it?
The “move it grandma” comment made me laugh. Growing up in NH, our parents would always yell at the bad drivers, calling them Massholes (from Massachusetts…). My little sister did what your son did when she was about 3, shouting out, “Watch it, Masshole!” from the back seat. Fun stuff.
I’m actually pretty grumble free today, probably because I am riding the high from the Gracie Defense Seminar that I am going through. If you ever have the opportunity to try Gracie Jiu Jitsu, do it. DO. IT. Life changing.
Massholes? OMG, I love that so much!!!
Dude, so jealous of your Gracie skills. I’d even let you practice an arm bar on me, but I’d probably tap out pretty quickly.
I grew up in NH and HATED the Massholes. I am now one of them! honestly, mass drivers aren’t that bad….try living near RI. Those people are horrible drivers! i am pretty sure they don’t know their car has directionals and they tailgate worse than any MA driver!
I haven’t lived in NH for 10+ years. About 3 or 4 years ago my daughter and I drove from Iowa to NH. It was AMAZING that the second I crossed into MA, the horrible drivers. There was a car on FIRE and the people in the right lanes wouldn’t let him in so he could get off the interstate. I mean, really.
Sarah, check out there website. You can actually learn all the moves from home. They Gracie brothers are amazing teachers, even in the videos. http://www.gracieacadamy.com or http://www.gracieuniversity.com And for a good laugh, check out their youtube video called “Bubba Gracie.”
As you can see, I’m a little obsessed now :0)
First a comment on ’50 Shades of Grey’:
It is shite. It’s not just you. The only reason so many people have read it is because of some very clever marketing in order to suck in people who want to know what erotica is like but are too embarrassed to read/research good erotica. My famous blunder with the book was when a couple of ladies were discussing it and were shocked that some people would like “that kind of thing”. To which I noted that even though our town is only 1000 people, I’m sure there are couples here that do exactly “that kind of thing” and that there are a couple of groups nearby in the city that I know of that have large memberships of people who do “that kind of thing” (honestly, I don’t know this personally but through someone I dated!). And then I realised the stares they were now giving me and I sort of stopped talking….
Ahem.
Secondly, at least you have people doing UNDER the speed limit! I live in Alberta and I think pigs would fly if anyone in Alberta did anything close to the speed limit. My guilty confession is that when I (always) have someone crawling up my ass because I’m only doing 20km over the speed limit, I often get so angry that I will hit my brakes to scare the crap out of them! So dangerous I know, but at least they either get the hint and back the hell off or they get pissed off and pass me. Either way, I get what I want and know that if I have to brake for deer/moose/coyotes and manage to miss them, I won’t end up with some 20-something’s brand new big-ass pickup truck ploughing into my bumper!
Ok, so glad I’m not the only one who couldn’t get through that kind of book!
My friend once say a group of furries at a house party near her neighborhood. FURRIES!!!
Love this month’s installment including the comments.
Gauge holes…..sounds like a new slur…going to start using it.
Yup, my 3 year old son also, watching a man cross the street with a walker….’come ON Grandpa!’
I now allow myself to stop reading awful books.. life is too short to suffer.
Pet peeve….I work in schools, the children with behavior problems are the easy ones; their parents, not so much.
Maybe I should start yelling “move it gauge hole” to the car in front of me? Genius collaboration Donna, thank you!
I am still laughing. We have the opposite problem in NJ — I am the ONLY one going 25 on the 25 street, everybody else goes 40. It’s a side street, for god’s sakes! Slow down ! (It’s uphill though.) When I lived in Pittsburgh, ppl stopped at the end of entrance ramps All. The. Time. Even if it wasn’t warranted (there are some stop signs at the end of entrance ramps in Pittsburgh! How horrible. Whose idea were they??). I have to admit I liked 50 Shades, because through it all she remained true to herself. I have read a LOT of crap kindle books that were highly rated. I start ’em and then about 10 pages in I’m like, “Who the H– thought this was a five-star book? The author’s sister?????” Also when I lived in Pittsburgh — lotta material there — there was an old house with equally old branches of the neighbor’s hanging over their garage. They actually spray painted a sign that said “Diabolical branches over garage will fall and damage garage. Please remove them.” I felt like knocking on the door and saying, “You know you’re allowed to cut them down yourself, right?” I took a photo of that sign, I just thought it was hysterical. Here’s to a tiny tornado coming down in your neighbor’s yard, which btw happened to me in NJ a month before Sandy… It was reeeeally weird.
We have some stops at the end of an onramp, but only during peak rush hours times. Any other time, you’ll get a car up your ass if you do that around here!
Diabolical branches? :dead: