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Confessions, October

Confession is good for the soul, so once a month I love to unleash my dark thoughts to clear my mind.

1) When my husband sneezes, he acts like no one in the world has ever sneezed before.  Like no one on earth could understand what just happened to him.  It makes me want to yell “it’s a fucking sneeze, move on”.

2) I have a disorder where I literally can not shop for greeting cards or walk in to a bookstore without having to poop.  It is a curse, but it came in handy when I was pregnant and you know…

3) Troy once told me that I look like Claire Danes.  Now when I watch Homeland, I think “am I that crazy”?  Probably.

4) To a slow car in front of me, I have uttered the words “hurry the fuck up, I am late for church”.  And before you feel the need to email me and tell me that I shouldn’t swear because it isn’t a Christian thing to do, please just know in advance that I will kindly respond to your email and tell you that as a Christian you shouldn’t judge.  Then I’ll ask you how the plank in your eye is feeling (whaaaaa…the swearing Lutheran can quote scripture…?).

5) Now I kinda want to rename my blog “The Swearing Lutheran”.

6) I want to fly down to Los Angeles just to slap Justin Bieber and tell him to put a fucking shirt on.  Hey, Beebs, you are so freaking skinny and should not be walking around sans shirts.

7) For someone who claims to always be busy, I spend a wee bit too much time on Perezhilton and GoFugYourself.

8) Whenever “play date” is listed on my meal plan, it means McDonalds.

Jack has a play date every other month with a friend and her brother, and they prefer McDonalds.

9) I would love to push Kanye West over a cliff.

10) I get really resentful that most successful bloggers are SAHM.  It seems like the deck is stacked against me to ever make this a real thing.

11) If given the chance, I’d probably cut Miley Cyrus’ tongue off.  Girl needs a good scrub down, some religion, and a nap.

How about you?  What would you like to unleash from your heart?

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27 comments on “Confessions, October”

  1. excellent post – a real truthful one!! hehe

  2. I will help you push Kanye but we will need others. One for the body, several for the ego.
    I am a potty-mouthed Catholic (and an organist on top of it, which means I swear double) and I support $*#!@!@!-spouting Lutherans. Some of my best buds are cussing Episcopalians and snarky Quakers, and some wry Presbyterians.
    I have one confession. I had been looking at my iPhone even when I was driving. VERY BAD. VERY BAD. BAD, BAD, BAD. But I figured out how to stop. I removed the apps from my phone — facebook, Twitter, CNN, and anything else that lured me to read. (I know, DUH, but you also know how some apps can be a bit addictive.) Removing them really removed the desire to keep checking in, and my happiness and my sanity are both replenished. Now I listen to Stitcher podcasts and iHeart Radio from different parts of the US, and audio books from LibriVox. My eyes stay on the road and my conscience stays clear.
    I’m with you on the food thing too, Megan McGee.

  3. You are crazy!! But you already know that! This is what I love about you – you remind me so much of my daughter, Amber!!
    But what SAHM?? Am I?

  4. Number 8 sounds like THE WORST. Confession: I can’t stand it when parents allow their kids to dictate big things like menus and what the family is doing. Nap-time is one thing, but they “won’t” eat anything but McDonalds? Too fucking bad. Kids don’t get to decide that stuff yet. I LOVE your confession posts…it makes me feel better to know that I’m not alone in my thoughts and feelings.

  5. My daughter learned how to use “fucking moron” correctly in a sentence because of the dumb fuck drivers around me. My in-laws are coming down from NJ tomorrow to spend the weekend with my daughter because she turned four last month and they are sweet and all, but they stress me out. MIL can’t eat anything but grilled chicken and green beans and FIL is just like his son so they drive each other fucking bat-shit crazy and argue the whole weekend. And they laugh at my Texas accent and tell me its cute,.. sigh… you really should hear your own accent.

  6. I think you and I are twins and we were separated at birth. True confessions:
    I’m a cussing Christian, but not the judgmental kind (unless your stupid, I do judge people on stupidity)
    I pretend my job is way more important and busy than it really is
    I pretend to be a lot smarter and more interested in thing than I ever really am
    I’m pretty much going through life slanging bullshit like its going out of style!

  7. I work with 2 people who eat with their mouths open. it’s disgusting. one of these days I’m going to freak out and tell them to close their freakin’ mouths for Gods sake! They’re adults! They should know better! I DON’T want to hear you chew!
    I am completely addicted to rocking chairs. and rocking in general. I cannot stop ‘rocking’ or swaying when i am standing still. i have to pay attention to it when i am talking to upper level managers!
    When my husband has hiccups, he proceeds to tell me “I have the hiccups” over and over and over again. Yes, honey. i can hear you hiccuping. you don’t need to tell me.
    wow, that felt great.
    And, swear away! 🙂

  8. This is hilarious!

    Re: #10, part of the reason I love your blog is that you aren’t a SAHM. Sure, there are some good ones out there, but the fact that you work and still find time to have a family and amuse and inform us here in blog-land makes you stand out.

  9. I love love love the confession posts. I think it helps me just for you to say those things out lout (the things we are all thinking in our heads) LMAO!

  10. Seriously, I thought I was the only one with the #2 problem (double joke, I am hilarious!), except mine is anytime I go shopping with the intention to buy something for myself, even if it’s technically for everyone (pots and pans, fabric for curtains, etc).

    I love being an American, and I love that we live in a democracy, but seriously? Our government is full of pig headed idiots.

    I hate following the news because it just depresses me. My hubby is my source of world wide news.

    Kori, I feel for you. My mother has the same affect on me till I just stopped talking to her. Makes me feel guilty that I don’t keep in contact with her, but not as guilty as she made me feel every time I talked to her.

    I am religiously uneducated. My hubby and I were chosen as god parents for his sisters daughter. When she asked us, we warned her that we are not very religious, so we may not be the best choices. My sister-in-law assured us that all that being god parents meant was that we would be there for our niece if she every need anything. We agreed. At the baptism, I felt SO uncomfortable every time the father had us pray for the life of this child. I was at war with myself through the entire services, “do I pretend to be what they want, or do I just be true to myself.”

    I was so happy when the baptism was over.