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Confessions, October

Confession is good for the soul, so once a month I love to unleash my dark thoughts to clear my mind.

1) When my husband sneezes, he acts like no one in the world has ever sneezed before.  Like no one on earth could understand what just happened to him.  It makes me want to yell “it’s a fucking sneeze, move on”.

2) I have a disorder where I literally can not shop for greeting cards or walk in to a bookstore without having to poop.  It is a curse, but it came in handy when I was pregnant and you know…

3) Troy once told me that I look like Claire Danes.  Now when I watch Homeland, I think “am I that crazy”?  Probably.

4) To a slow car in front of me, I have uttered the words “hurry the fuck up, I am late for church”.  And before you feel the need to email me and tell me that I shouldn’t swear because it isn’t a Christian thing to do, please just know in advance that I will kindly respond to your email and tell you that as a Christian you shouldn’t judge.  Then I’ll ask you how the plank in your eye is feeling (whaaaaa…the swearing Lutheran can quote scripture…?).

5) Now I kinda want to rename my blog “The Swearing Lutheran”.

6) I want to fly down to Los Angeles just to slap Justin Bieber and tell him to put a fucking shirt on.  Hey, Beebs, you are so freaking skinny and should not be walking around sans shirts.

7) For someone who claims to always be busy, I spend a wee bit too much time on Perezhilton and GoFugYourself.

8) Whenever “play date” is listed on my meal plan, it means McDonalds.

Jack has a play date every other month with a friend and her brother, and they prefer McDonalds.

9) I would love to push Kanye West over a cliff.

10) I get really resentful that most successful bloggers are SAHM.  It seems like the deck is stacked against me to ever make this a real thing.

11) If given the chance, I’d probably cut Miley Cyrus’ tongue off.  Girl needs a good scrub down, some religion, and a nap.

How about you?  What would you like to unleash from your heart?

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27 comments on “Confessions, October”

  1. #1 made me laugh out loud and now the children think I’m crazier than normal. My husband refuses to blow his nose, ever. He rather just slurp all that snot up his nose and get a stomachache. Drives me nuts and grosses me out.

  2. 1) I hate my job – new owners after 14 years and I hate this new ridiculous boss that I tell corporate all the time that he is the douchy-est of all douches.

    2) When my husband sneezes~ it is just like his mothers, I cringe every single time it happens because I know that they have snot and spit and shit all up in their hands.. totally grosses me out. effen disgusting!

    3) My mother sucks the life out of me. She is so needy and crazy judgmental that I completely dread the everyday phone call I HAVE to make to her on my drive home from work… and no matter how bad my day – hers is worse…She has been a SAHM since before she had kids!!! How can you have a bad day home by yourself!!!

  3. I read your blog often, but don’t often reply. I am so in love with this post, so ….
    1) I also have no career ambition (like Heather), and have never liked any job I have ever had. I am also incredibly ashamed of this.
    2) I have serious road rage, and yell, swear, and make gestures when I see stupid drivers.
    3) I talk too much.

  4. RE #5 Go for it! The swearing Lutheran will be lovingly read by the cussing Episcopalian.

  5. I went back to school several years ago and when I hear the teenagers I am in class with whine about the homework being too much and how they didn’t have time to do it, I want to scream at them “Listen you whiney bitches, I have a husband, house, two autistic kids, a mentally ill extended family, a job and I rescue basset hounds…and I managed to get it done. Maybe you should spend less time on FB and whining about shit and actually do the work!!!”
    Also, when I meet new people, I used to get nervous about first impressions and I can obsess for hours over what I thought they thought about me. I solved this with a trick. You know how if you are nervous in front of people you ought to imagine them in their underwear and it seems less scary. That doesn’t work for me. I imagine their “O” face. No one is cool and dignified during orgasm. NO ONE. Now I can’t stop doing that, and I imagine this with everyone I meet.
    Wow I feel better now…

  6. Loved this post! Justin – oh so true (sexy he ain’t!), Miley – she doesn’t have what it takes to be Madonna no matter how hard she tries, and the Christians who judge another – perfect! Oh, my confessions? It drives me crazy that my hubby thinks he is the only one in the world who is doing anything worth while! I can be up to my eyeballs in something and I get “if you’re not busy…..” and he wants to show me something?! Oh, sorry, this is your blog and I might get on a rant….

  7. “girl needs a good scrub down, some religion, and a nap” Ha! reading that line caused me to spit my coffee all over my desk. Thanks for making my work day that much better!

  8. First time reading…I work full time, my husband stays with the kids….I love postings. It kind of make me giggle when I read the above post. It’s real life.

  9. 1) I have no career ambition, there’s never been a job I’d love to do. In an ideal world I wouldn’t have to work but I wouldn’t do anything worthy either, I’d just do the fun stuff I never seem to have time for.
    2) I am insanely jealous of people who can socialise and make friends.
    3) I bore people when I try to make conversation.

  10. 1) Someone is walking towards me (let’s say at a store) and they move to their LEFT rather than their right and we have to go through the whole make eye contact, smile and excuse me’s, I literally want to scream at them and say “It’s like driving, moron. MOVE TO YOUR RIGHT.”
    2) Sometimes I know my husband is talking to me from another room and I pretend not to hear it.
    3) I am addicted to reading FB….I cannot even tell you how many times a day I check it.