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Holy smokes people, it has been a loooooooong time since we had a confessions post!

For you newbies, confessions are where I unburden my soul of the silly, you do the same, and then we all have a great laugh.  Let’s get started!

1) I freaking HATE sitting in traffic during nice weather, because inevitably some asshat around me is going to be smoking in their car with the window down.  Go ahead and kill yourself buddy, but I’m already breathing in all this exhaust.  I don’t want to inhale your shit too.

2) I am a crazy good parallel parker.  Like, there should be a YouTube channel of me parking various cars.

I guess that’s not a confession.  Hmmm…

I’m a giant braggart about my parallel parking skills.


3) When I lived in LA, I was once helping someone I worked with move.  There were three of us in the cab of a U-Haul on a Friday night, and I was driving.  We saw the turn too late, so I went down a little bit further, and flipped a bitch.  On Hollywood Blvd.  On a Friday night.  Do you know the mixture of skill and dumbasses that requires?  I cringe when I think of that.  So stupid.

And kinda proud too.

4) I used to be semi-handy.  My sister is really handy, but I could hold my own.

That all went away when I married Troy.  He can do anything, build anything, and fix anything.  And now I’m about 90% useless.

5) There is a second every single morning when I get out of the shower, look in the mirror, and I’m like “damn my skin and my thighs look amazing today”.

And then I remember (every single morning) that I’m not yet wearing my contacts and everything is blurry.

6) Nuts do not belong in cookies.  Ever.  If you put nuts in cookies, you’re a communist.  You know who loves nuts in cookies?  The leader of North Korea.

7) I am so freaking sick of hearing about Nerf guns, that I have to declare “Nerf-free” hours in my house.  I seriously can’t take one more conversation of “Mommy, guess what, the retaliator is more powerful than the Magnus 3000”, holy hell just shut up.

8) If you’re in my house in winter on the weekends, you’ll notice that I always have food on my floor vents.  I’m using the heat to help the bread rise, or defrosting something from the freezer.  It looks fairly trashy.

9) A few months ago we ran out of our normal toothpaste (Toms of Maine), so I used a small tube from our travel bag.  For the next week, my mouth broke out in these horrible sores.  I thought I developed herpes overnight or something.

I got some Toms from the grocery store the next week, and within a day, the sores were gone.

Seriously, what are they putting in “conventional” toothpaste????  I won’t call out the company of the herpes toothpaste, but let’s just say it rhymes with Breast.

10) After you have a baby, the nurses want you to pee within x number of hours.  I want to say it’s 3 or 4?  And if you don’t, they threaten you with a catheter.  I’m sure there is some data about why you need to pee in that amount of time.  I’m totally not knocking them for doing their job.

But let’s just say my bits had seen some major trauma when Jack and his 99th percentile head was born.  My bladder was in revolt, and any nether regions parts wanted no business with the evacuation of anything.  It wasn’t happening.

My sister was there a few hours after he was born and helped me to the bathroom.  The nurse stood outside the bathroom.  This is where having someone who can read your mind with three blinks and a tug of the ear is invaluable.  With just a glance, my sister decoded my message of “fill up the peri bottle very slowly with water from the faucet.  Shhhhh, don’t make a sound”.  Troy would have looked at me said “what, you want me to do what?  Fill up the bottle?  WHY” super loudly and given away my deception.

After she was done filling it, we squirted it in to the toilet and I announced “I peed” and the nurse and her catheter went away.  Seriously, I’m not sure how she could have even inserted it anyway.  I’m sure we all look like the Elephant Man down there after labor.

About 20 minutes later, I peed on my own.  15 minutes past the time I was told I would be tubed up if I hadn’t.  Phew.

Thanks sis.  Thanks for being able to read my mind.  My shredded Britney and I thank you.

Ok, your turn to share your silly confessions!

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19 comments on “Confessions”

  1. OMG I think I love you.

  2. 1. I agree about the cigarette smoke. I get really riled up when I see them throw the butt out of the window. I have been known to yell at people who do that.
    2. I know I shouldn’t judge people, but I have to admit I judge people who talk on their cell phone in public, especially when they are loud about it. I assume they are attention seeking, shallow people who are not very intelligent.

  3. So wish you could impart some of you parallel parking badassery to me! I HATE parallel parking. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area and parking almost anywhere in the city of San Francisco is a nightmare. If you’re lucky enough to even find a space, it will be the tightest on the face of the planet, either requiring mad skills (while a dozen cars wait impatiently behind you so they can pass on the narrow street, which makes it even worse!) or that you “tap” the other cars to get in (a friend who lives in the city actually has indentations of letters from license plates in her bumper from these “taps”). Having to drive into the city for anything that doesn’t involve a valet or a parking garage fills me with dread and I’ve been known to skip events all together if public transit wasn’t an option and I knew parking would be too difficult. Even worse, I have gone someplace and after not being able to maneuver my car into the only minuscule spot I’ve been able to find after 40 minutes of circling the neighborhood (not an exaggeration, some places are really that congested!) , I have turned around and just gone home and called the host and told them how sorry I am that I’ve come down with a migraine and won’t be able to attend.

  4. 1. I really didn’t like being a SAHM.
    2. I drink way more Diet Coke than my family or friends realize.
    3. Now that my own kids are older (14, 13, 11), I really don’t find other peoples’ small children (ie., under 7 or 8) interesting, entertaining, or anything other than annoying.
    4. I really like it when my husband has to work overnight and I get the bed and bathroom to myself.
    5. My husband has done really well in his career, and while not rich, we are very comfortable. I sometimes pretend to be much broker/poorer than we are just to fit in with my colleagues.
    6. I don’t have nearly enough current experience to do the job that I have, but people think I do.
    7. Sometimes I just can’t be bothered to clean my kids’ bathroom. It’s pretty disgusting, but they don’t seem to care.

  5. Love your confessions! They are some of my favorite posts!

    1. I work in the hospitality industry at a beach resort, and also live in the small town. I can’t stand summer, our peak season, and I start the countdown until the tourists leave even before they get here!

    2. My daughter is in her early 20s and I love her more than anything. She still lives at home, and as much I want her to stay with me always in one vein, I also have never lived alone, and am looking forward to it in another vein. I am torn with horrible guilt and am afraid because I want to live by myself something may happen to her 😐

    3. I would rather spend time with my dog that just about any human.

    4. When I wake up I immediately start counting the hours until I can climb back into bed again.

    5. This is so horrible–please don’t judge me. My mother has Alzheimer’s, and because she can’t remember past 10 minutes anymore, sometimes to keep my sanity, I change up my answers to her repeated questions because I know she won’t remember the conversation.

  6. Here goes…
    1) Third best day of my life was the day my son moved out after high school graduation. I was so tired of the arguments between my husband and his carbon copy. I now have a dog on Prozac from all the yelling.
    2) I dislike 90% of my husbands friends. 3 to 4 days a week they come over for happy hour and I must play nice. I really don’t want to. I want to bitch slap them all and tell them to go home to their wives.
    3) I have 3 dogs that I adopted. Was told they were all different breeds. Fully grown all 3 are Pitbulls. Very loving, well behaved, joys of my life. Confession part, I love to lecture people who are scared of my dogs. I glow inside with glee to tell them how wrong they are. How dare they look down at my 75lb baby who’s sitting at my feet while their 7lb speck of fur is yapping at me.
    4) I drive my SUV like I stole it only cause I wanna get off the road so bad! I ,like everyone else, hate other drivers. I have panic attacks in the car where my hands and face go numb when someone in front of me does something stupid.
    5) it warms a little place in my heart every time I see someone trip. So wrong I know. I don’t want them to fall and get hurt just trip a lil. I’m in a hurry all the time so I trip often myself. But when someone else does it I giggle in glee inside my head even while asking if they are ok.

  7. Love these!

    1) I call Taco Bell “Whole Foods” so when my kids ask if they can have ‘Whole Foods’ in front of their rich, yuppy classmates I can proudly say ‘yes’ and prance off to my non-luxury car and drive them to a $3 lunch where we all stuff our faces full of cheese and meat.

    2) Today I wore my pants inside out to the park. I did notice, but then pretended not to notice so I didn’t have to turn them back right side out. This mamma ain’t got time for that sh*t.

    3) Every morning the thought that gets me out of bed is the idea that I can go to bed at 8 that night.