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Confessions

Holy smokes people, it has been a loooooooong time since we had a confessions post!

For you newbies, confessions are where I unburden my soul of the silly, you do the same, and then we all have a great laugh.  Let’s get started!

1) I freaking HATE sitting in traffic during nice weather, because inevitably some asshat around me is going to be smoking in their car with the window down.  Go ahead and kill yourself buddy, but I’m already breathing in all this exhaust.  I don’t want to inhale your shit too.

2) I am a crazy good parallel parker.  Like, there should be a YouTube channel of me parking various cars.

I guess that’s not a confession.  Hmmm…

I’m a giant braggart about my parallel parking skills.

Better.

3) When I lived in LA, I was once helping someone I worked with move.  There were three of us in the cab of a U-Haul on a Friday night, and I was driving.  We saw the turn too late, so I went down a little bit further, and flipped a bitch.  On Hollywood Blvd.  On a Friday night.  Do you know the mixture of skill and dumbasses that requires?  I cringe when I think of that.  So stupid.

And kinda proud too.

4) I used to be semi-handy.  My sister is really handy, but I could hold my own.

That all went away when I married Troy.  He can do anything, build anything, and fix anything.  And now I’m about 90% useless.

5) There is a second every single morning when I get out of the shower, look in the mirror, and I’m like “damn my skin and my thighs look amazing today”.

And then I remember (every single morning) that I’m not yet wearing my contacts and everything is blurry.

6) Nuts do not belong in cookies.  Ever.  If you put nuts in cookies, you’re a communist.  You know who loves nuts in cookies?  The leader of North Korea.

7) I am so freaking sick of hearing about Nerf guns, that I have to declare “Nerf-free” hours in my house.  I seriously can’t take one more conversation of “Mommy, guess what, the retaliator is more powerful than the Magnus 3000”, holy hell just shut up.

8) If you’re in my house in winter on the weekends, you’ll notice that I always have food on my floor vents.  I’m using the heat to help the bread rise, or defrosting something from the freezer.  It looks fairly trashy.

9) A few months ago we ran out of our normal toothpaste (Toms of Maine), so I used a small tube from our travel bag.  For the next week, my mouth broke out in these horrible sores.  I thought I developed herpes overnight or something.

I got some Toms from the grocery store the next week, and within a day, the sores were gone.

Seriously, what are they putting in “conventional” toothpaste????  I won’t call out the company of the herpes toothpaste, but let’s just say it rhymes with Breast.

10) After you have a baby, the nurses want you to pee within x number of hours.  I want to say it’s 3 or 4?  And if you don’t, they threaten you with a catheter.  I’m sure there is some data about why you need to pee in that amount of time.  I’m totally not knocking them for doing their job.

But let’s just say my bits had seen some major trauma when Jack and his 99th percentile head was born.  My bladder was in revolt, and any nether regions parts wanted no business with the evacuation of anything.  It wasn’t happening.

My sister was there a few hours after he was born and helped me to the bathroom.  The nurse stood outside the bathroom.  This is where having someone who can read your mind with three blinks and a tug of the ear is invaluable.  With just a glance, my sister decoded my message of “fill up the peri bottle very slowly with water from the faucet.  Shhhhh, don’t make a sound”.  Troy would have looked at me said “what, you want me to do what?  Fill up the bottle?  WHY” super loudly and given away my deception.

After she was done filling it, we squirted it in to the toilet and I announced “I peed” and the nurse and her catheter went away.  Seriously, I’m not sure how she could have even inserted it anyway.  I’m sure we all look like the Elephant Man down there after labor.

About 20 minutes later, I peed on my own.  15 minutes past the time I was told I would be tubed up if I hadn’t.  Phew.

Thanks sis.  Thanks for being able to read my mind.  My shredded Britney and I thank you.

Ok, your turn to share your silly confessions!

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19 comments on “Confessions”

  1. You are so funny, numbers 5 and 6 are my favorites.

  2. My dentist just told me that Colgate ownsToms of Maine. Let’s just hope they haven’t added any herpes inducing ingredients!

  3. Loved your confessions!

    1. My oldest daughter just graduated high school and is about to go to college. I was a young mother (had her when I was 18) and my biggest goal was to get her through school, and graduated, without following in my footsteps… err the pregnant at 17 footsteps. I was lucky to have a strong support system, which allowed me to work, and go to school, while being a single mother. BUT seeing her transformed into this 90% grown up woman, and 10% I still need you to take me to urgent care and pick up my prescriptions young girl makes me feel like I’m losing something… despite the logical part of my brain knowing it’s just a role change for me, and that she’s an incredible person who will do well! It’s hard however.

    2. I’m a general manager in a small company which is primarily women, and they spend hours discussing reality tv shows, such as “Teen Mom”, and it annoys me to the point of wanting to scream. Perhaps it’s because having been a teen mom, I don’t see the glamour in being a young teenage mother.

    3. The Kardashians and conversations about them, especially from my 17 year old daughter (the middle child) who finds it so interesting. I delete the DVR when she records them and I don’t feel bad.

    4. People who knock my new found health system just because they google information that isn’t accurate. It clearly works, I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been, I feel amazing, I look amazing, and I’m happy. Just let me be happy.

    5. Sometimes at work, instead of working, I read books on my computer… and I don’t feel guilty… because I’m enriching my mind.

    Thanks for the confessions shared by others. 🙂

  4. I love, love, love your Confessions posts, they crack me up 🙂 My favorite, this time, is your comment about the nerf gun discussions. Replace that with any video game or Pokemon discussions and that’s totally the line running through my head the whole time the kid(s) are/were talking.

    1) Back when I was a VIP tour guide at WDW (a long time ago), there was a colleague who was very nice but very proud of the fact that he had memorized all this trivia Disney Parks stuff to regurgitate to the guests on his tour (usually celebrities and business people who paid for a guide to avoid standing in line, I’m not sure if that still exists nowadays) and always talked about how his guests loved him. My memory is worthless so I just started inventing trivia. “WDW guests use 3 million packets of ketchup at day at the Magic Kingdom!”, “A typical guest spends 4.5 hours standing in line…”, etc, etc. No one knew enough to double check or care, and since those tours can be very repetitive and I’m NOT a naturally social person to start with, it took the pressure off me to try to find something witty to talk about with those people who I didn’t know from Adam. I wonder how many of them went home and told their friends “Hey, did you know that the Magic Kingdom guests use 3 million packets of ketchup a day?!”. lol.

    2) When I was little, I told everyone that I was the descendant of Joan of Arc. She was born in the same region of France as I was, but I had moved to another region back then. Because even little French children can be ignorant (she died at the stake a virgin), I was able to convince a couple of them who were in awe of my illustrious background.

    3) Similarly, my brother’s crazy ex-girlfriend did genealogical research on our family and published our “Family Tree” online for the whole world to see. Want an idea of how crazy she is? She “tracked” us to before JC. Seriously. They have a daughter together so she’s eager to show just how special her daughter is, even if it’s through my brother whom she hates. Anyhoo, she naturally concluded that we are the grandchildren of Charlemagne (a huge celebrity in France, he invented school and we have a popular children’s song about that) and of various famous Roman emperors. I told my kids to start claiming that they are royalty since really, NO ONE can disprove it (or prove it) so, let’s go for it, LOL. I am into genealogy and have researched our ancestors myself and seriously doubt that she could ever prove what she is claiming (no documentation, outrageous inferences, etc.). Then, a few days ago, an article was published in one of the major new sources claiming that pretty much every body of European history was related to Charlemagne, anyway (something to do with math, don’t ask me) so now I’m definitely telling everyone that I’m Charlemagne’s g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g (…)-g granddaughter, damn it!

    4) I have been planning my and the kids trip to France (we leave next week!) for 9 months. We’re visiting a lot of family so have limited amount of time in each area and it’s my kids’ first visit to my birth country. My daughter, who is 16, is an artist and is dying to visit lots of places in Paris, including The Louvre. No problem, we planned on spending 1 week there and my youngest brother and his GF who live on the outskirts of Paris, graciously offered to let us stay with them in their tiny apartment. Yay! Then, 4 months later, they announced that they were getting married (love her, yay!) and that they had scheduled the wedding for July 4, smack in the middle of our stay. Now our stay in Paris has been shortened by a day (the bride, naturally enough, wants time by herself beforehand to get everything organized, but I was just told of that last night), a whole day is going to be taken by the wedding and reception (I hate weddings, not keen on meeting tons of their friends and family because… I just don’t like meeting new people. Yes, I know it’s not about me but it’s Confession Time, right?), we have had to book a hotel in Paris that evening (didn’t want to inconvenience the newlyweds but after all that was told last night that they won’t even be staying in their apartment that night, yet we can’t stay there alone because they’re afraid their 20 y/o cat will freak out…), the next day is Sunday (half a day wasted trying to make our way back from the hotel to their apartment)… and then Monday (guidebook advises not to go to museums on Mondays in Paris since it’s really crowded then), and then Tuesday (museums closed!) and then we leave. I know I’m being very selfish and the anxiety of the upcoming trip is getting to me, but I’m really annoyed that they decided to get married right when we were coming, although it was a sweet thought to include us, I guess, but it’s a civil ceremony that will, itself last 10 minutes, I think (followed by an all-day reception at another location). I feel like such a bitch even confessing to this, lol. I especially feel horrible about feeling this way since they’re going to host us and feed us and help us with visiting Paris (well, that’s the plan at least!) and they’re so excited about us coming. Oh and did I mention my kids don’t speak French? I am excited for them to get married, I just don’t want to be involved and there is no way I can get out of it. Sigh. Yes, I will be a gracious guest but I so wanted the Paris visit to be the crowning jewel of my daughter’s trip. With her being 16 (almost 17), we might never go back there together again as she is looking at doing dual enrollment at the local college starting this fall and wants to take summer classes too so she can graduate early. Double sigh. So since this is such a terrible confession, I’m posting this anonymously!

  5. The SLS (foaming agent) in regular toothpaste can cause some people to get canker sores. My son is one of these people. He has to use Toms Gentle care (the only toothpaste I can find without SLS).

  6. I am crying laughing, you are too funny girl!

  7. 1) Totally with you on #1….my sons say I can smell a gnat fart but seriously, I notice cigarette smoke like NOW.

    2) I lied through 3 pregnancies about taking my prenatel vitamins. I had hyper-emesis (acute vomitting) the ENTIRE time I was preggos and the vitamins just made it worse.

    3) When my youngest got on the bus for Kindergarten, I did a happy dance in the street. No tears, no my baby is growing up, nada.

    4) Which brings me to this confession: I don’t miss my children being little. Not one bit. The older they get, the more I enjoy seeing them living life and having adventures.

  8. 1) I wait a few seconds after the dog throws up to see if she will eat some of that back up before I go clean the spot
    2)I will use the empty tube to wipe that last drop of pee if someone forgot to restock. then I throw it in the trash (IT DOES NOT FLUSH)
    3)I will play up my hippie/crunchy side in front of my husbands straitlaced insurance executive colleagues; butchering chickens, cleaning fish, foraging, going to the local slaughter house, etc. Never mind the garden, putting up food and homeschooling. I have contemplated going into town in Birkenstock sandals and socks, just to see their eyebrows disappear.

  9. 1- I’m sick of those stupid shows where they show dumbasses doing dumbass stuff. My husband & daughter are addicted. Sometimes I want to telling them to turn that crap off, because I’M THE ONE WHO PAYS THE FRIGGING BILL

    2- I’m crazy good at backing into parking spots, driveways, etc, using just mirrors. Scary narrow steep driveway? I can back my car up (or down) it, first time.

    3- I REALLY stuck at pulling into parking spots. Especially with a car with a nose. It’s ridiculous

    4- I really love having a separate bedroom from my husband. 30 years of putting up with his piles of socks & fighting to get him to make the bed, & I’m just done. It’s so delightful to have the blankets & temperature adjusted to ME. & no one steals the sheets

  10. 1. I’m leaving my current job for a new one, which is great, except… I take forever to make new work friends. I’m shy and awkward.
    2. I’m a school speech path, which means a good chunk of my job involves teaching social skills. It’s sort of like when I coached tennis… I’m not coordinated but I’m pretty good at teaching other people how to hit the ball!
    3. My first grader is the most anal rule-follower in the history of school and her teacher never wrote anything on her behavior chart this year–not even a happy face. So I decided I didn’t need to initial it. Or even look at it.
    4. My youngest is going to start preschool in August and I’m thinking they’re going to need to add scratch paper to her behavior chart because the little box won’t give the teacher enough room to fully describe the day’s events. They are very different children.