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February Confessions

So here is how things are.  I am not perfect.  You are not perfect.  You do not read my blog for a Photoshopped version of reality.

And today, you’re here for confessions.

Confessions are a monthly series on this blog, where I unload silly things I’ve been thinking about for the last month.  And, you?  You also share your confessions, and we all have a great laugh together.

Ready?  Set?  Go!

1) This is a memo to a very small percentage of the population.

Date: February 19, 2014
From: Sarah
Subject: Soul Patches

To Whom It May Concern:

Do you have a soul patch?  STOP IT.  You look a fool.

Sincerely,
Me

2) I’m not sure why Jennifer Lopez is still a thing.  How did a person with an extremely weak singing voice get put in charge of a singing competition?

3) I am an animal lover.  Troy has allergies, so pets are not meant to be.  But, I LOVE animals.

I wanted you to understand that before you read the next sentence.

I hate every single dog on my street.  They suck.  I should hate the owners, but alas, I hate the dogs. Each of them bark, and none of them have been taught good dog manners.

We have the two loud pit bulls down the street who have already been on a daytime TV court drama for biting people.  We have a yappy Jack Russell who barks his ass off each time he so much as farts.  And then, there is the king asshole – a German Shepard (huge) puppy.  Our lots are terraced because we’re on a hill.  The yard above us is home to the German Shepard.  He likes to stand at the fence and growl at me like he wants to eat my face.  I’ve tried being nice, I’ve tried giving him treats, but so help me god the next thing he is going to get is a rake handle to the face if he ever tries to come in to my yard.  He is unreliable, and the neighbors across the street don’t let their kids play in their yard anymore because of this dickhead dog.  I’m scared to be in my garden, and I want to bitch slap both him and his owner for improper training.  They’re moving in a few months, so I’m not making a stink about it, but I am so freaking sick of this dog.

4) I use audiobooks as bait for Jack’s behavior.  If he is acting like a tool, I take his current audiobook de jour away for a day.  If he keeps it up, he loses it for a week.

A casual observer would think this a highly-effective parenting tool.  The casual observer wouldn’t see that I do that because I’m so freaking sick of James and Giant Peach, that I would love to boil the whole damn fruit and can it.  Sans the centipede’s 21 sets of boots.

5) I think “free radicals” are a bunch of horse shit, designed to make people spend a huge amount of money on crappy lotions.

6) I don’t get play silks.  I’m not knocking them, but I seriously don’t get them.  You can go to www.crunchyoverpricedchildcrap.com (I hope that actually isn’t a real website) and buy one for $75, or you could go to my parent’s linen closet and use their ugly orange king-sized sheet from the 70’s.  I’m not getting the difference.  Please explain, cause I’m super lost.

7) When Jack and I are in his bed reading, he does something that absolutely drives me batty, and I can’t get him to stop.  He puts his knee directly on my hip bone and it feels so weird.  I’ve tried putting a barrier between my hip and his leg, but it doesn’t work.  I’m starting to feel OCD about it.

8) I am going to give up swearing for Lent.

How about you?  What would you like to confess?

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48 comments on “February Confessions”

  1. 1. Amen! Most male facial hair is, ah, problematic, but soul patches are high among my least favorite.
    2. J. Lo was good in “Out of Sight” (which I highly recommend if you haven’t seen it before, or don’t remember), and I was disappointed when she stopped working on her acting in order to ‘sing.’
    3. Silk?! What person in their right mind gives children silk to play with? Honestly, people!
    4. Why can’t I find a job? And why can’t employers be organized enough to make sure that the project they have in mind – whether contract or full-time – *is* what they want to do, or is approved, BEFORE they schedule an interview and get my hopes up?
    5. Pet peeve: drivers who stop their cars at least one full car length back from the painted line delineating the intersection. Why? It looks idiotic, almost as though the car stalled/died just before reaching the corner – but then it turns out that the driver just stopped there. Sometimes they eventually edge forward – oh-so-carefully – but usually it’s when the light changes and their car moves that you can be sure that they aren’t having mechanical difficulties. And don’t they realize that some turn lanes require the weight of the car up by that line in order to activate the turn arrow?
    6. Question: how does giving up cursing for Lent count as a confession? Isn’t that more of a plan? Or are you just confessing to frustration in advance? 😉

    • Uh-oh….. I an guilty of your #5 in the left turn lane. But, in my defense, my husband work on the traffic signals and he taught me how the turn arrow works here. It isn’t the weight of the car, the arrows can be activated by a well-placed bicycle, it has something to do with the metal of the vehicle being detected (okay, I don’t know exactly how they work, I have been told in detail but didn’t retain critical information to explain it properly). The “loops” that detect cars in order to activate the signal are often placed a car length or more behind the line, so if you are the only car there, you won’t activate it. Although, again in my own defence, if someone lines up behind me, I pull up and let the guy behind me sit on the loop, I don’t stay there if I am not the only car. In Toronto, you can see the loops, they look like black rectangle outlines in the lane.
      Good point about giving up cursing, I hadn’t caught that!

  2. Every day when I get home from work and exit my car, I think to myself, “YAY, I’m so glad I live by the barkiest dogs in the universe.” Only, you know, NOT. Neighbor dogs: one poor fella who lives outside and is lonely, barks all the time. Three who must need to pee at the same time every day, because they’re always in their yard (barking) when I get home. Across the street mini-dog, constant barker, with the owners who keep saying, “Yoda! Stop! Yoda!”
    It’s enough to drive a nice person homicidal.

  3. You are seriously a riot! I know what playsilks are and think it is ridiculous. All a kid needs is a sheet/quilt, a couple of empty boxes and the couch cushions — really — although I get aggravated over the couch cushions because couches are expensive to replace.

  4. Boy, do I need this.

    1) I am sick and tired of people who think that they are the exception to the rule. I work in HR and I heard more excuses this week than I could stomach. FYI: If you smoke weed and you’re looking for a job, STOP SMOKING. For the love of all that is holy, by the time I sent applicant #5 packing, I was ready to send the test strips back. But no, 4 out of the 5 admitted that they had used, but not for months. Right. I do not care one way or another if you use or not….but the rules say you have to test clean to get the job. Period.
    2) Did I mention I am also am the Safety Assistant? Yep, glorified hall monitor. I swear I am going to buy pink flowered headbands for every person I see on the floor with their safety glasses on their heads. Oh, and I can’t write them up because THEY ARE THE SUPERVISORS.
    3) I want to bitch slap a co-worker that keeps smoking in the plant even though it is a smoke-free environment….yep, the exception to the rule and again, a supervisor.

    Got my resume dusted off and sent out yesterday. Time for this chick to fly the coop.