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So here is how things are. I am not perfect. You are not perfect. You do not read my blog for a Photoshopped version of reality.
And today, you’re here for confessions.
Confessions are a monthly series on this blog, where I unload silly things I’ve been thinking about for the last month. And, you? You also share your confessions, and we all have a great laugh together.
Ready? Set? Go!
1) This is a memo to a very small percentage of the population.
Date: February 19, 2014
From: Sarah
Subject: Soul Patches
To Whom It May Concern:
Do you have a soul patch? STOP IT. You look a fool.
Sincerely,
Me
2) I’m not sure why Jennifer Lopez is still a thing. How did a person with an extremely weak singing voice get put in charge of a singing competition?
3) I am an animal lover. Troy has allergies, so pets are not meant to be. But, I LOVE animals.
I wanted you to understand that before you read the next sentence.
I hate every single dog on my street. They suck. I should hate the owners, but alas, I hate the dogs. Each of them bark, and none of them have been taught good dog manners.
We have the two loud pit bulls down the street who have already been on a daytime TV court drama for biting people. We have a yappy Jack Russell who barks his ass off each time he so much as farts. And then, there is the king asshole – a German Shepard (huge) puppy. Our lots are terraced because we’re on a hill. The yard above us is home to the German Shepard. He likes to stand at the fence and growl at me like he wants to eat my face. I’ve tried being nice, I’ve tried giving him treats, but so help me god the next thing he is going to get is a rake handle to the face if he ever tries to come in to my yard. He is unreliable, and the neighbors across the street don’t let their kids play in their yard anymore because of this dickhead dog. I’m scared to be in my garden, and I want to bitch slap both him and his owner for improper training. They’re moving in a few months, so I’m not making a stink about it, but I am so freaking sick of this dog.
4) I use audiobooks as bait for Jack’s behavior. If he is acting like a tool, I take his current audiobook de jour away for a day. If he keeps it up, he loses it for a week.
A casual observer would think this a highly-effective parenting tool. The casual observer wouldn’t see that I do that because I’m so freaking sick of James and Giant Peach, that I would love to boil the whole damn fruit and can it. Sans the centipede’s 21 sets of boots.
5) I think “free radicals” are a bunch of horse shit, designed to make people spend a huge amount of money on crappy lotions.
6) I don’t get play silks. I’m not knocking them, but I seriously don’t get them. You can go to www.crunchyoverpricedchildcrap.com (I hope that actually isn’t a real website) and buy one for $75, or you could go to my parent’s linen closet and use their ugly orange king-sized sheet from the 70’s. I’m not getting the difference. Please explain, cause I’m super lost.
7) When Jack and I are in his bed reading, he does something that absolutely drives me batty, and I can’t get him to stop. He puts his knee directly on my hip bone and it feels so weird. I’ve tried putting a barrier between my hip and his leg, but it doesn’t work. I’m starting to feel OCD about it.
8) I am going to give up swearing for Lent.
I also had to google play silks and while I like the idea of giving kids something to play with that allows them to explore creativity, I also agree that an old sheet would do!
Confessions: I hate most of my co-workers at my weekend job because they are all stuck in high school. If you are nearing 50 years old and a grandmother you should have stopped playing such childish games long ago!!
Confession of the Month: Sometimes I can’t stand the people I work with so much that I skip coffee break and/or lunch.
Peeve of the Month: When you take the time (sometimes a LOT of time) to draft an email with all the information the other person could possibly need, and then rather than actually *reading* the email, people proceed to reply with email after email and question after question and how can I possible say to a client “…as I just told you in the f&*!ing email you illiterate idiot…”. I complained about this to someone and they said it’s because it’s easier to email and ask than take the time to read the email. SERIOUSLY? So they waste *MY* time instead? Grrrrr.
Oh wait! Peeve #2 (and confession #2) – Alberta men must have the tiniest penises in the world. Judging by the way they drive they are so obviously compensating for something. I’ve lived and driven in lots places around the world and I’ve never seen drivers so generally this bad. Fast drivers, impatient drivers, whatever. But these are just STUPID bad drivers. I use all the ‘defensive driver’ training I was taught here – if you can imagine it, they’ll do it. You can’t blame them – most of them actually did actually learn to drive in a field.
And this one is just a comment on parent problems: I solved the problem by moving 3000+km from them and I rarely hear my phone (plus they are too cheap to call). Sometimes I feel sorry for leaving my sister and her family to take the brunt of it. But not for long. It’s still the best thing I ever did. Sometimes you just gotta be selfish if you have any hope of being remotely happy.
Love this idea, Sarah 🙂
I almost always skip coffee break for the exact same reason! Plus, I’m an introvert, so socializing with people is not really a break for me. When the weather was decent I would go take a quick walk outside, but now that it’s cold and crappy I just end up working through the break.
You seriously crack me up!
My SIL and her daughter and grandkids drive me nuts. I live in Tennessee, they live in Ohio, and they’re one of the reasons we don’t want to move back. SIL has nothing but her health problems and her grandkids (who are HEATHENS), and calls every other day, usually repeating everything she said the last phone call – kids this, kids that, latest health problem, repeat, repeat, repeat. DH will barely pick up the phone for her, so it usually falls to me to listen to her for 30 minutes or so – and that’s what it is, is listening, as you can’t get in a word edgewise once she gets started. And her daughter and grandkids? Ugh, the kids make nearly every visit completely unenjoyable because they are so out of control. It’s very difficult not to say anything about it, and mama won’t discipline them, and grandma over-disciplines. These poor kids don’t have a chance.
I have one of those yappy dogs. He’s not a bad dog at all – I think someone could probably stick their hand over the fence and nothing would happen, as once he gets to know you he’s very friendly. We just bring him in the house once he gets started – and we don’t usually let him stay out that long anyways.
Play silks? Ugh, never heard of them, so I had to Google. Thank God my kid is grown.
This is very bad and very silly, but I’m giving up Candy Crush for Lent … actually, I’m starting sooner. What a time-suck.
And yes, Jennifer Lopez pretty much sucks. She’s all promotion and no talent – which describes most pop divas today – it’s all in the packaging. Give me real singers any day. DH loves watching all of the reality singing competitions. I HATE, HATE, HATE them, but some real talent comes out on a rare occasion.
Thanks for the forum to vent – I feel better now.
The yappiers don’t bother me so much during the day, but when it’s 11 pm and I have to get up at 4:30 am, we have a problem.
I would take 24 hour yapping over the sheer butt-clenching terror I get from the German Shepard. I’m not scared of dogs, but this one seriously freaks me out. It’s only a matter of time before he is big enough to get over the fence and eat my face. When his owner is home (rare), he is inside with him so it isn’t an issue. When he’s gone, there is nothing scarier than walking out the front door at 5 am, and have these two green eyes rush at me. Ack, just talking about it makes my throat itch.
OMG – you are hysterical! Never heard of playsilks before (my kids are 23,26 & 29) had to google – all I can say is wow, glad I missed this fad! My confession is (because I live in Illinois and we’re having a ridiculous winter) if you can’t drive in snow, stay home because you’re a hazard! 🙂
Dogs! I have two idiots who drive me crazy at times! (I can’t complain about my kids anymore, they grew up into reasonably responsible adults that left home and who help their parents out.). They aren’t allowed to bark themselves silly, especially when we let them out at night for “yard checks”. We live in a neighborhood of older people, no kids, and only two other dogs. The one who comes with his owner to pick up the mail from the boxes in front of our house loves to run up and down the fence with our girls and bark like crazy! He gets yelled at for it and I think it’s the only fun he gets, poor baby. The one next door is a little yapper who’s only outside once in awhile. I grew up with Dobermans so I’m not really scared of dgos, and barking I just tune out anymore. We are trying a collar for the neurotic dog, she has separation issues and this is supposed to be full of pheromones that calm her down. Car rides to go to our favorite walkie place are a pain in the ass. She gets so excited she paces and barks in the car, I have to hold her by the collar the whole trip, and even then she has a piercing whine! OyVey!!
And since we are confessing/complaining today, I have got to get something off my chest and I don’t think anyone here will judge me too harshly–but I am sick to death of taking care of my BIL who is handicapped. When his mom died 25 years ago, putting him in a home was just not a right idea. I had some help when my kids were home, and I could make the hubs sister take him every so often. He’s not a big problem, but this year it’s becoming more and more obvious he is losing cognitive abilites. He’s forgetting even simple things and I’m having to do more and more of the daily tasks of caring for him. My husband either isn’t willing to help, or just doesn’t see the need to. I do get paid for taking care of him, for which I am very thankful as otherwise I would have to find a job. It’s just wearing me down at times to do all the work when my blasted husband won’t get off his butt and help! I’m living with two bitchy, stinky old men and the fun isn’t there anymore. I’m not complaining too much here, the hubs ignores the dirty house, and the naps I take every day, doesn’t say too much about how I spend the money, never complains about my cooking (he’s afraid he’ll have to do it), and doesn’t say anything about what I watch on TV. I know I need to speak up about his brother, but I’ve got to think of a way to do it wihout starting a battle or having him be grumpy for days. So, thanks for letting me say all this, guys!
Your husband needs a gentle slap in the face for putting that all on you. He is his family and he needs to pitch in. So sorry for all that responsibility being put on you!
I think it’s a case of my husband refuses to see that his brother is coming to the end of his life. His little brother has always been around. He is now 47 and that’s old for Down Syndrome, especially someone who was never at the higher end of the scale and not expected to live past childhood. I think he will realize it soon, I just needed a good gripe about it!
Want to preface: I love all my nieces and nephews.
But I dread nice weather because,
I hate every single child on my street. They suck. I should hate the parents, but alas, I hate the kids. Each of them yell and screech, and none of them have been taught good manners
Dogs have one way to communicate. Unlike kids that can be taught to be polite and quiet while still being able to communicate.
Just my two cents.
Growing up, my family had two dogs who were taught to not lunge at people and bark their asses off. They were taught not to intimidate people and make them fearful for their safety. Both were wild pound puppies and we had no idea how they were taught before they made their way to our home. So, it can be taught.
Just MY two cents!
#1 I am not nor never will be a dog person. I barely tolerate my cat now that we have kids, but at least she’s a chicken shit and doesn’t really come out anyway. But yeah, there are definitely barking dogs on my “hell” soundtrack. And wtf with people who ask my child if she’d like to pet their dog. Shouldn’t that be my decision? Ugh.
#2 I am so sick to death of IGT. For the love of all things holy, I just want to exclusively bf my babies.
I love dogs. I would be a dog snuggler if it paid enough and had medical. I’ve never been scared of a dog in my life until this German shepard. He scares the crap out of me.
Cats? Not so much; I am pretty indifferent to them, even though we had them growing up.
I’m not sure what IGT is, but I hope it is something that eventually lets you get your wish.
I was going to check too Courtnei! Now I don’t have to, thanks!
I can’t stand soul patches either. My husband insists on growing a big, ugly goatee every winter, it is no secret that I hate it! 😀 I think he does it because, come spring, I am so happy he shaved it!
My addition: I used to think that PMS was a crock of shit created by women who just wanted to have an excuse to be a bitch. (I thought my SIL was going to kill me when I told her this! But that simply reinforced my belief) I have since decided that there may be a little bit of real to it after paying attention to my daughter’s behaviour patterns….
Also: I have no idea what play silk is. (and I have to leave in ten minutes and have about half an hour of stuff that needs done first, so I am not looking it up right now….)
I love your confession posts.
I distinctly remember my dad sitting my sister and I down when we were “tweens”, and he said, your mom doesn’t let PMS bother her, and it isn’t a blank check you’re given to be bitches. Now, I know women who have legit issues with their periods like PCOS, endo, etc., but run of the mill bitchiness isn’t cool!
I’m so literally DYINGGG at crunchyoverpricedchildcrap.com (and no it’s not a website, I HAD to look it up and B. there is crunchycarpets.com and that is equally funny)