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So here is how things are. I am not perfect. You are not perfect. You do not read my blog for a Photoshopped version of reality.
And today, you’re here for confessions.
Confessions are a monthly series on this blog, where I unload silly things I’ve been thinking about for the last month. And, you? You also share your confessions, and we all have a great laugh together.
Ready? Set? Go!
1) This is a memo to a very small percentage of the population.
Date: February 19, 2014
From: Sarah
Subject: Soul Patches
To Whom It May Concern:
Do you have a soul patch? STOP IT. You look a fool.
Sincerely,
Me
2) I’m not sure why Jennifer Lopez is still a thing. How did a person with an extremely weak singing voice get put in charge of a singing competition?
3) I am an animal lover. Troy has allergies, so pets are not meant to be. But, I LOVE animals.
I wanted you to understand that before you read the next sentence.
I hate every single dog on my street. They suck. I should hate the owners, but alas, I hate the dogs. Each of them bark, and none of them have been taught good dog manners.
We have the two loud pit bulls down the street who have already been on a daytime TV court drama for biting people. We have a yappy Jack Russell who barks his ass off each time he so much as farts. And then, there is the king asshole – a German Shepard (huge) puppy. Our lots are terraced because we’re on a hill. The yard above us is home to the German Shepard. He likes to stand at the fence and growl at me like he wants to eat my face. I’ve tried being nice, I’ve tried giving him treats, but so help me god the next thing he is going to get is a rake handle to the face if he ever tries to come in to my yard. He is unreliable, and the neighbors across the street don’t let their kids play in their yard anymore because of this dickhead dog. I’m scared to be in my garden, and I want to bitch slap both him and his owner for improper training. They’re moving in a few months, so I’m not making a stink about it, but I am so freaking sick of this dog.
4) I use audiobooks as bait for Jack’s behavior. If he is acting like a tool, I take his current audiobook de jour away for a day. If he keeps it up, he loses it for a week.
A casual observer would think this a highly-effective parenting tool. The casual observer wouldn’t see that I do that because I’m so freaking sick of James and Giant Peach, that I would love to boil the whole damn fruit and can it. Sans the centipede’s 21 sets of boots.
5) I think “free radicals” are a bunch of horse shit, designed to make people spend a huge amount of money on crappy lotions.
6) I don’t get play silks. I’m not knocking them, but I seriously don’t get them. You can go to www.crunchyoverpricedchildcrap.com (I hope that actually isn’t a real website) and buy one for $75, or you could go to my parent’s linen closet and use their ugly orange king-sized sheet from the 70’s. I’m not getting the difference. Please explain, cause I’m super lost.
7) When Jack and I are in his bed reading, he does something that absolutely drives me batty, and I can’t get him to stop. He puts his knee directly on my hip bone and it feels so weird. I’ve tried putting a barrier between my hip and his leg, but it doesn’t work. I’m starting to feel OCD about it.
8) I am going to give up swearing for Lent.
#8!!! I tried giving up swearing for Lent last year (or the year before?), and I’m pretty sure I’m going to go to hell – I was an utter failure. So, I’m going to try it again this year. #$%#$%!
I’ve been reading your blog for a while, but never commented before… I think you’re awesome! 🙂
I LOVE your #4!!!!
My confessions:
As much as I love that I’m pregnant with our son, I want this pregnancy to be at it’s end so I can get back on the thin wagon. I’m tired of huffing and puffing and not being able to fit into my clothes.
These last few weeks of pregnancy, I’ve been sucking major as a mom. My kid doesn’t want to eat the dinner I cooked her, so I let her eat Cereal, Pop-Tarts, and various other crap for dinner.
I WILL steal this idea for my blog.
It doesn’t sound like you are sucking ass as a mom. It sounds like you’re following the #1 rule of parenthood, which is “some times you just have to survive”.
I agree with Sarah. It won’t be like this forever, just get through it and she’ll be eating great stuff soon. Good luck.
We also have an audio book addiction over here. Thankfully her taste has improved, or she listens to it in the other room so I can study.
We use to have a pit bull mix and that dog was AWESOME with our family, but was terrified of everything else. My daughter and I were out walking him one day when this guy approached us. My dog was a spaz, so I made him sit WAY off the sidewalk, so he wasn’t tempted to scare this guy. At the time, my kiddo was maybe 3 (and her head was level with his when he sat). This guy proceeded to give me lecture about how dangerous pit bulls are and how they shouldn’t be allowed in public. As he is lecturing me, my kiddo is petting our dog, hugging him around the neck, and just loving on him. And the dog, he just sat staring at this guy who was being a dick.
Now, my dog was one of those dogs that would go NUTS if someone walked by our yard. And when he did that, I went outside and brought him in because I couldn’t STAND to listen to him bark and I really didn’t want him terrorizing people in the neighborhood.
What really pisses me off is people who have dogs (pit bulls and other bully breeds) but have no idea what they are doing. These dogs are not dangerous unless their owners make them dangerous, or just have no idea how to train and take care of these breeds.
I’m done now :0) Love your confessions!
Tina, the audiobooks are listened to in the car, so as much as I try, I can’t get away from them. Ack!
I don’t fault so called “scary” dogs for being scary. If Troy didn’t have allergies, and I had a big yard, I’d love to have a wiener dog, and a rottweiler. People are terrified of rottys, but I know the dogs have great hearts; you have to teach them to be mean.
We had a pit bull when I was very small (50 some odd years ago) that I adored and he adored me. He was my protector. My dad couldn’t give me a spanking if the dog was in the house because Butch would bite him! Hee Hee Hee But, animal control did have to come and get him as he kept biting the post man when he would speak to me in the front yard. He would climb the gate to do so. I was his and you had better not forget it!
Confessions? I am so done with all of the so called upgrades being made in the park where I live. Now they are going to renumber the trailers and rvs and I will have to let everyone know. They have started what seems like fortyelvenhundred jobs to “improve” the park and none of them seem to be getting done. Sigh.
I’m done with just the one. 🙂
OMG my friend Amy has a pit named Echo. Echo “talks”. And she would NEVER hurt anything; she mothers anything smaller than herself. When they brought home a puppy, Echo proceeded to bag up and nurse the puppy…even though it was 8 weeks old and not hers lol!! We had a Rott and she was the biggest baby ever. She would hide if you raised your voice, and she would let the boys lay on her like a giant pillow. Her bark was so freakin’ loud though! Ugh. And I found out I was allergic to dog saliva because Ziva would lick the shit out of me and I’d spend a week covered in hives.
I hate it that people are so freakin’ dumb that they think a breed can be labelled dangerous. I have two Yorkies, a Corgi, and a wiener dog mutt and hands down Molly the weiner dog mutt is more dangerous than any other dog we’ve ever had. But she’s never put in a situation where she is allowed to become aggressive because we’re aware that she is and we treat her accordingly. I tell people all the time if you don’t want your dogs to do something, don’t put them in the situation to do it. You wouldn’t leave a full glass of tea on a coffee table with a toddler running around, don’t put your dog in a situation like that either!!
We had a Dobie runt when I was a kid that was absolutely the most protective dog around. All the neighborhood kids played at our house and he just ignored them. But the stupid gas meter reader who poked sticks at him thorugh the fence–whoooo boy! I heard a bunch of noise one day and looked out the back door just as Mickey was about to go over the fence after him! I read that guy the riot act up one side and down the other for not coming to the door when he saw the damn dog!! I used to take my boyfriends to meet Mickey and he always knew the good ones. We also had a big Dobie when my kids were younger. He bit my youngest son twice, once in the middle of screaming match with me (dogs don’t argue with the alpha female in packs), and once because he accidently stepped on the dog’s sore foot. You should have heard the whining and crying from both of them afterwards. They were accidents and the dog was our big baby. Neither of the wounds were serious, he did have a few stitches and antibiotics, but threw a fit at the thought of getting rid of the dog. We did have the dog nuetered which calmed him down a lot, and should have been done sooner. That was the best watchdog we ever hadm though, and he loved us all.
Love this subject! First time here for confessions, but have visited before, continuing to return because of the “real” of it all. Giving up swearing for Lent? Well posts will return to funny after lent I suppose. Now for my own confessions.
1. I hate stickers on stuff. Price stickers, advertising stickers etc. And I think people should take the stickers off, that way I don’t have to, if I buy it at their yard sale.
2. We still have a freezer full of green beans and soon it will be time to grown another garden…..
3. I don’t like kale.
PS Your not the only one tired of dogs…..
1. I am pissed at the damage I have done to myself for the last 30 years and how I still feel like crap every single day even though I am eating right, exercising, etc. 65 year old ladies should not be kicking my ass in Zumba
2.Teaching is killing my soul and my love of music. I work 7 days a week and yet I still can’t pay my bills. I’m sick of my student’s parents treating me like a glorified babysitter or like I give lessons for shits and giggles, not because I do this for a living and as my only source of income. And 95% of the people I work with at a music store 2x a week are incompetent asshats, especially my boss.
3. I have the overwhelming urge to jump in my car every day, drive away, and not come back to my family (who treats me like crap) & my job (see #2). The only reason I stay is my (family’s) dog, bc if I wasn’t around, nobody would take care of her.
4. I have no idea why Jennifer Lopez is still a thing, I also don’t know why American Idol is still a thing and why the entire music industry is going down the tubes so rapidly.
5. Soul patches, goatees, and any other small, sad amount of facial hair needs to be banned from society. It’s all or nothing guys.
I come from a family of teachers, and hands down you have the hardest job in the world. I wish you and all good educators were paid what they were worth. They put so much in to their job, and get very little other than shit on in return.
“It’s all or nothing guys”. I’m dead. Love it.
I love love love your confessions.
So, I had to Google Soul Patch. And it now occurs to me – we saw a lot of Bruce Springsteen in Australia recently, and his is seriously off centre. Talk about foolish. But great concert. Nothing quite like 10,000 people, each of whom have paid $250+ to be there, singing “…tramps like us, baby we were born to run…”.
I’m really glad I wasn’t the only one who had to Google what a soul patch was…now that I know, I agree that they’re ridiculous!
My mother is driving me bat shit crazy. Every time I happen to get a weekend to myself (the boys are at their dad’s or their pawpaw’s), she calls me 5 or 6 times throughout the day. This last weekend, I spent all day Saturday grocery shopping. When she called me time #2, I told her I was making a day of it. She asked that I please call her when I got home. 3 hours later she called and asked me why I hadn’t called her yet. I told her I was still an hour and a half from being home and her response was, “Well, you really ARE making a day of it, aren’t you?” Yes, mother, I am. Then she chews me out when I take naps on a weekend that I don’t have my kids because I don’t answer my phone when she calls me three times during a two hour nap. For the record, I’m almost 35 effing years old and I don’t need a gd babysitter. I don’t know what kind of nefarious, illicit deeds she thinks I’m going to get up to on the random weekend in 8 weeks I don’t have my boys, but suffice it to say that going to the grocery store and Costco and spending way too much money is about as nefarious as I get these days. I can’t stand it anymore, and one of these days I’m going to fucking snap and tell her if she calls me again I’m going to choke her the life out of her with my bare hands.
I hear ya….I’m in the same position. She drives me CRAZY and makes me want to scream. OMG I need loads of patience, but she drains it all from me. LOL
I’m not sure why she does this to me and not to my two brothers. But I’m telling you, I’m ready to scream too. I can’t take it any more! I think 20 years of taking care of her is enough. It’s time for her to grow up (at 53).
I confess I am not a people person. I don’t really follow the X-second rule to picking food off the floor. And I push food way past their expiration dates until my senses tell me it’s time for them to go. Because of that, I am honestly surprised I haven’t suffered much food poisoning. I love love love dogs, but I want to adopt a cat when I move and get a chance to keep pets. I love my baby nephews (1.5 and 3.5), but I don’t like kids that age, at all. When I adopt, I’ll be looking at the 8-16 range, which I’ve known for a while. At first I thought it was because younger kids were more adoptable, but now I must confess it’s because I can’t stand younger kids and all of their quirks. I’ll take care of them and love them fiercely, but not my cup of tea.
I’m not a kid person myself…and I have one. I don’t go gaga over other people’s kids, and between the ages of 3 and 4, I didn’t even really like my own one.
Major kudos to you for going the adoption route. What lucky kids to end up with you!
I love ur postings. Real life daily. It made me giggle while drinking my hot chocolate with peppermint. As for confessions, I adopted a beagle last week from our local pound. I all ready have a 12 year old beagle. My mother found out and was all upset about it. She LIVES 400 miles away. I’m 42 years old. I wanted to scream and but said, “What the heck, I’m 42 years old, working a full time job, paying my way in the world, supporting my family of five. If I want to adopt a damn dog, then I will do it”.