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Confessions – March

Once a month, I share really stupid confessions that are honest and not shall we say “fake perfect blog” appropriate.

Let’s start off with something that I am sure will be controversial.  Shall we?

1) Short people who wear pants that are high waters, really piss me off.  I’m 6 ft, my sister is 6 ft, and I have a female cousin who is 6 ft 4.  Do any of us wear pants that are too short?  Hell no.

If we can find pants long enough, you can too shortie.  No freaking flipping excuses!

I had a roommate for years who was like 5 ft 1.  She had a problem with not being able to find pants short enough, so she would buy pants, and then pay $10 to have them hemmed.

NO EXCUSES.  BUY PANTS THAT ARE LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU.

2) I am convinced that Troy has my phone bugged and has hacked in to the face time feature and can literally spy on me so that he can only call me at the most inconvenient time.  There is simply no other way to explain how he only calls right after Jack and I get home and my arms are full of stuff, and Jack is hungry and whining, and my head is going to freaking explode because I’ve been up since 4:30 am.

Also, he has been known to call multiple times if you don’t pick up, so not only does he call at the worst possible time, but if you don’t drop everything and answer, the stupid phone just keeps ringing.

3) When I worked at my last company (corporate), once a year they would ship us somewhere lovely for a regional offsite.  The very first year I was at the company, they sent us to Cabo.  Rough life, right?

Well, I roomed with someone who was dating one of our coworkers.  Being super lame like I am, I called it a night by like 11 pm, while everyone else was enjoying the free drinks.  I have a thing where I need to fall asleep while watching TV.  I showered (cause it was like 567 degrees and humid), and then turned to it on to the movie channel (Out of Time with Denzel Washington), and promptly fell asleep.

The next morning at breakfast, my roomie and her boyfriend asked me how my night was.  I said it was pretty good, I took a shower, I watched TV, and fell asleep.  They burst out laughing.  I was a bit perplexed, and then had to wait until they stopped choking on their huevos rancheros to figure out what was so dang funny.

Turns out, that around midnight, the movie channel switched from PG to rated X.  I fell asleep watching a Denzel Washington, but when they walked in to our room, there was so pretty graphic Mexican porn on the tube.

To this day, I’m pretty sure neither of them believe my story, but I swear it is the truth!

4) Unless I am measuring liquids, I almost never wash my measuring cups and measuring spoons.  Salt?  Flour?  Baking soda?  It’s called knocking the cup or spoon on the side of the container and putting it back in the cupboard or drawer.

5) I almost never wash my bread knife.  It’s just bread.  It’s not like I’m cutting poop to make turd sandwiches.

6) From the time Jack was three, until a few weeks after turning four, I was convinced he didn’t really have a soul.  Three year olds are evil hell beasts.  I want another kid, but I’d love to ship them off when they turn three, and pick them up at four years and two weeks.

7) There are times when the weather outside is gross, and I’m feeling lazy, and I’m oh so tempted to just make a bag of Top Ramen.  Top Ramen was a childhood staple, and even though it so so full of sodium and crap, I can still taste the deliciousness.

8) I don’t know how to BBQ, but I also don’t want to learn.  Grilling is the ONE thing Troy will do in the kitchen, and it feels like a cooking vacation for me.

9) Jack’s preschool work gets put in the recycling every Sunday night.

That’s right, I said it.

This week, he had a picture made by his friend Cooper, and he said very conspiratorially “mommy, I just want to throw this away”, but I gave him a guilt trip about how it was something special and we should keep it.

I talked him out of putting in the recycling, because HIS stuff was right at the top of the bin from where I had chucked it the night before.

10) I am TERRIBLE at alphabetizing.  When I’m filing my client’s paperwork, I have to sing the ABC’s in my head, because after I get to “h”, it is kinda a blur.

11) I am terrified of this space between my counter and my oven.

God only knows what is in that crack.  Should our oven ever break, I’d rather grill (well have Troy grill) for the rest of my life, than have to move the oven and see what hell spawn has thrived in that dark and inhospitable environment.

What would you like to share this month?  Come on, unload, it feels great!

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44 comments on “Confessions – March”

  1. #4 and #5…I thought I was the only one. Usually when I am dusting off the knife to put it back, I am reciting some defense in my head in case anyone ever busts me.

  2. Ditto on the three year old!! I wash measuring cups/spoons, but I have this cool conical measurer for dry ingredients I don’t wash.

    My confession – the day my husband died, one of the first thing I did was move the kitchen scissors back to the top drawer after he’d decided they should live in the second drawer. And it was satisfying. I miss him terribly, but some things just gave me the meerkats.

  3. Maybe the short people are buying child size pants?

    And since you bring up pant length, can we talk about how ridiculously long they make “average” length pants these days? At 5′ 5 1/2″ I’m taller than the average height, but I would have to wear stripper heels to keep the legs of most pants from dragging on the ground. Also, why do pants get so much longer as the size gets larger? I need the bigger size because I have a bit of fat on me, not because I’m a blown-up version of a skinny person.

    • I agree! I am only 5′ 2″ and if i try petite size, they are as short as capris but it if i grab a pair of ‘regular’ i have to hem them 4 inches or so! I just don’t get it.

  4. Oops! Accidentally deleted it the first time around.

    OMG, number 5 slayed me. You and your poop and fart jokes. They’re just the best.

    Alright, here are two of my confessions:

    1. I hate brushing my teeth before going to bed. I’m just too tired to be bothered, but the ONLY reason I do it is so Mr. J won’t be totally repulsed by me in the morning. He clearly doesn’t appreciate the effort I put in so he can kiss me before breakfast. Men. *eye roll*

    2. I’m addicted to Deadly Women on Netflix. The show’s true crime stories are fascinating, but the best parts are the overly dramatic reenactments and the (unintentionally) hilarious commentary by Candice DeLong. I’ve watched every episode twice and still want to watch them again. Now I have to avoid the living room completely when I have free time so I won’t turn it on. It’s sick, really.

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  6. I don’t wash the measuring cups or spoons after dry ingredients, either. I might give the spoons a quick wipe with a dry towel … or not, depending on my mood.

    My son actually never turned into Satan’s spawn as a toddler. He saved it for after he started driving. I love him dearly, but to this day I don’t trust a word he says, as he turned into pretty much a perpetual liar. It’s very disappointing. He moved away shortly after his 19th birthday. I miss him, but secretly I am relieved, too, as I don’t have to put up with him lying to my face about everything. I’m not one of these parents who broke down in freak-out mode when their kid moved away. I thought it was great ’cause he was about to find out how good he had it at home. My husband took it harder than I did.

    I swear like a meerkating sailor when I’m at home by myself, but my DH and kid have never heard me say a four-letter word once unless I was quoting someone. I think maybe I used the word “pissed” at my son once when I was really angry, but not until he graduated.

    • My youngest son was the same way–at 13!! We had a stint with Juvie court, and a little time in jail for vandalism when he was in college. That seems to have cured him of the worst habits, at least he finally straightened up. My oldest son waited until he was in his mid twenties to give me gray hair over his antics. It took six months in jail over a trumped up case to make him think long and hard about his life choices and some of his questionable friends, now if I could just find him a nice girl to marry! I think it actually takes moving away from mom and dad for most kids to realize their parents really do love them and want the best for them. If they just didn’t drive us crazy doing it…

  7. OK, this is my “first time”… here we go… I’m tall, so I love Capri pants.. solves the whole too short/too long issue for me.

    I don’t think I own anything my son made in school…I’m a bad mom… but I do have a special box of my grandson’s artwork. If it was something special it went into the box immediately, if it got left out too long.. yup into the trash it went. As he grows less and less get into the box… drawings from a 9 y.o. boy generally include some type of monsters, aliens etc battling it out… I mean how many of those art themes can one grandma have?

    I’m bragging now… I once had my stove replaced and the delivery man actually bragged about it being the cleanest under the stove that he had ever seen… he had some real horror stories about things found behind appliances…. I didn’t tell him it was because the flooring was just replaced the prior month in the kitchen… ssssh…… out secret.

    I wash my measuring cups and spoons and only sometimes the bread knife…. I do however occasionally reuse paper plates.

    At work everyone I know including myself sings the alphabet song… some should practice more as their filing skills leave a lot to be desired… I also count on my fingers on occasion too.

    Well this has been fun, be back next week with more “confessions” Love your blog, it’s just too funny!

  8. Yeah, I’m 5’1″ and I hate pants that are too short, though thaat comes from my teenage years and long bellbottoms! And the high waist thing? It’s probably because most of us short people have no waist to speak of, I only have an inch between my last rib and the top of my pelvis. I either buy pants that ride too high or get the droopy bottoms! Being overweight as well just adds to the problem. I have bought one brand of jeans for years and I just heard they aren’t going to be making them anymore, of course. I think those of us that spend a lot of time cooking tend to do the shortcut no wash thing. Though when the bread knife gets gummy I do wash it!