Confessions – November
As I like to say each month, confessions are good for the soul. I unload what is weighing me down, and hopefully you get a laugh or two, or at least feel like you’re normal. And in return, I get to read a few of your confessions.
1) A few months ago, my friend made a 50 Shades of Grey joke. I looked at her blankly. She said “you don’t have to enjoy the books, but you at least need to read them to understand the late night jokes”. I don’t have cable, so late night jokes aren’t really important to me, but I figured I would try to understand some of the context.
But being cheap, I downloaded a free 50 Shades-like book from Amazon.
I got through about two chapters before I had to stop because it was so bad. Not just the smutty stuff, but the writing was TERRIBLE.
But now, I can’t delete the stupid thing from my Kindle, and every time I view the lists of books, it’s just there, taunting me.
Even worse, Amazon spent a few months making recommendations for me because of that stupid book. I’d get a recommendations like “Sarah, other dumb sluts also enjoyed xyz”.
Ugh, Amazon, how you judge me.
2) I want a tree to fall our neighbor’s house.
Stay with me on this one.
The “house” is a rusted out disgusting rat trap of a mobile home. It’s at least 50 years old, and the siding has fallen off and I can only imagine how terrible it is in there. The owner always talks about how he’d like to get a new trailer, but can’t find the motivation to “make it happen”.
Hence, my hope for the tree. Also, his stupid cedar tree poops cedar turds all over our driveway and front yard. AND the dang thing covers my garden for two hours during the winter when daylight is extremely precious, and one ish hours during the summer, but doesn’t cover the house to provide a lick of shade.
For the record, I don’t want him home when the tree falls over, nor would I want anyone hurt. He’s declared his intent, and my hope is the tree assists him in the endeavor.
3) I am fairly certain that I am a nicer mom during summer when my windows are open for the whole neighborhood to hear.
4) There is a part of my town that I drive through twice a day that makes me so mad I could kick a puppy. The speed limit is 25 mph, but for some unholy reason, people ALWAYS feel the need to go 15 mph through there. I don’t get it, I don’t understand it, but holy hell it pisses me off.
I didn’t realize how much it pissed me off until one day I was driving in a completely different part of town and a car pulled out in front of me, causing me to hit my brakes to avoid a collision. Jack was in the back reading a comic book and didn’t see what had happened. When I honked my horn to let the other car know “dude you almost hit me”, I heard “move it grandma, it’s 25” from the back seat.
5) I don’t get hipsters.
Please understand that I’m not saying I don’t like hipsters, I’m just saying I don’t understand them. Why would you want to dress like old people?
I think my confusion of them really stems from jealousy. Many hipsters wear shoes from the 50’s, and I’ve seen a ton of them wearing saddle shoes.
In second grade, I desperately wanted a pair of saddle shoes. My mom finally took me to Mervyns (remember Mervyns???) to get some, and I was dismayed to find that at 7 years old, my feet were so large, that the salesman told me I had to buy women’s shoes. Basically, I looked like the letter L.
There was one pair of women’s saddle shoes, and we got them. They KILLED my feet, and the next day at recess, I couldn’t go out and play because my feet were so blistered. I had to sit by my classroom, and watch everyone else enjoy the day. All because I had big stupid feet and wanted shoes that are now sought after by hipsters.
If anyone adopted a renewed love of Jellies, I’d probably feel the same towards them.
Also, your huge dark framed glasses remind me of Kelly McGinnis from Top Gun.
6) I wonder if people who put those huge gauges in their ears to stretch out the lobes will regret that decision at some point in their lives. Like, will there be whole groups of old people in wheelchairs at assisted living facilities with earlobes down to their shoulders? I just wonder, you know?
7) I hardly did any canning this summer. Well, any compared to last year. I just stuck to the basics like apples and tomatoes, and jams. I went shit ass crazy last year, and it really burned me out. We still have plenty of stuff to see us through should the zombies attack, but not as much as we did last year. You hear that zombies? Now would be the time.
What do you need to unload?