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Confessions, October

Confession is good for the soul, so once a month I love to unleash my dark thoughts to clear my mind.

1) When my husband sneezes, he acts like no one in the world has ever sneezed before.  Like no one on earth could understand what just happened to him.  It makes me want to yell “it’s a fucking sneeze, move on”.

2) I have a disorder where I literally can not shop for greeting cards or walk in to a bookstore without having to poop.  It is a curse, but it came in handy when I was pregnant and you know…

3) Troy once told me that I look like Claire Danes.  Now when I watch Homeland, I think “am I that crazy”?  Probably.

4) To a slow car in front of me, I have uttered the words “hurry the fuck up, I am late for church”.  And before you feel the need to email me and tell me that I shouldn’t swear because it isn’t a Christian thing to do, please just know in advance that I will kindly respond to your email and tell you that as a Christian you shouldn’t judge.  Then I’ll ask you how the plank in your eye is feeling (whaaaaa…the swearing Lutheran can quote scripture…?).

5) Now I kinda want to rename my blog “The Swearing Lutheran”.

6) I want to fly down to Los Angeles just to slap Justin Bieber and tell him to put a fucking shirt on.  Hey, Beebs, you are so freaking skinny and should not be walking around sans shirts.

7) For someone who claims to always be busy, I spend a wee bit too much time on Perezhilton and GoFugYourself.

8) Whenever “play date” is listed on my meal plan, it means McDonalds.

Jack has a play date every other month with a friend and her brother, and they prefer McDonalds.

9) I would love to push Kanye West over a cliff.

10) I get really resentful that most successful bloggers are SAHM.  It seems like the deck is stacked against me to ever make this a real thing.

11) If given the chance, I’d probably cut Miley Cyrus’ tongue off.  Girl needs a good scrub down, some religion, and a nap.

How about you?  What would you like to unleash from your heart?

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27 comments on “Confessions, October”

  1. ROFL!!! Yes to #2!! (pun intended) I call it the Barnes & Noble Effect. It also happens to me at craft stores and sometimes Target. I’m not sure what they’re pumping through the hvac systems in those stores, but it’s like IBS mist or something…

  2. I just found this blog and so freaking love this post! I was laughing my ass off. I have to say judgmental Christians is what annoys the shit out of me. I’m there with you. I also cuss a lot when I’m with my friends.

  3. I would like to organize a last minute boycott of.miley on SNL tonight. I never stay up that late anyway, but the skank has got to STOP!

  4. I came here from pinterest and oh man, I’m so glad I found you! I can’t write anything fun on my own blog because of my husband’s job. He always says…. “If someone found out…..” So instead, I can sit hear and read the stuff I want to write. (My blog is boring craft stuff….unless you count my wine cork canape knives, then I’m the effin’ bomb.)
    Okay, so here is a true confession.
    I hate it when people call me on the phone because they are bored. They think since they are bored, I am obviously bored, right? (I’m so hyper the mere thought of boredom is exciting to me.)
    I hate it when people say, “People that can’t do, “teach.” WTF? Makes me want to slap the crap outta them.
    I sew but hate it when someone I don’t know knocks on my door at the 11th hour asking me to fix a dress for their daughter…..oh and she needs it NOW.
    I make stuff and people always say “oh, I’ll pay you to make me one….” until I mention the price. 10 effin bucks is too much? really?
    Oh, and I talk too much and get excited about stupid shit…and when I drink margaritas, I tell all the stories I’m not “supposed” to tell….good thing I’m not drinking or this comment would never end…..

  5. Love this post and all the comments..crying from laughing so hard. Also love that you cook and eat real food but you’re not all up on a pedestal about it. Thanks for what you do.

  6. This has to be one of my absolute favorite posts you’ve ever done!! I literally was laughing out loud the whole time I was reading!!

    Have a great weekend, Sarah!