Confessions

If you’re new around here, confessions is a time for us to all unburden ourselves of the silliness we’re feeling at the moment. I share dumb things, then you share dumb things, and we all have a better day because of it.

Let’s get started!

Confession 1

If I ever fall into a coma, could one of you please contact the hospital and make sure someone there plucks my eyebrows? If the medical crisis lasts longer than 3 weeks, I’ll have a wicked unibrow.

I do not want to wake up and go on the news with the headline “Cavewoman wakes up after long sleep”. 

Confession 2

Troy and I take the boys for hikes in this really cool nature preserve near our house. We always comment “if this were The Quiet Place, we’d be the first to die”. Are we seriously to believe those kids were able to be THAT quiet for that long? I mean, c’mon.

Confession 3

Troy wears monthly contacts that can be worn day and night, so he only needs to change them every 30 days. When he changes them it is a whole production. It takes him forever to remove them and put new ones in.

Each time I walk into the bathroom after this event has occurred, the counter/sink are soaked. Water everywhere. I always ask him “how could you take out your contacts while a baby seal was having a seizure in the sink right next to you”. So.Much.Water.

Confession 4

Recently I went to cut Bennett’s toenails, which he HATES. My new favorite excuse as to why I shouldn’t cut them was “I’m trying to learn to be a sloth”. Well played.

Confession 5

I’ll watch interviews with families who lost a loved one (like on Dateline) and they always describe the deceased as a saint who could light up a whole room when they entered. They never met a stranger, and everyone loved them.

Just once, I want to see them be brutally honest. “You know what, she was mostly okayish, but sometimes she could be a total bitch”.

Confession 6

When I was little, I thought that if you got a busy signal (Gen Zers, ask your parents what that is), if you just stayed on the line they would eventually pick up the phone.

Confession 7

Have the good people who work at Kettle Chips ever tried to open a bag of their own chips? Do they have meetings where they get together and decide how to make this bag more inconvenient? 

Confession 8

Cars that practically stop to go over speed bumps make me want to kick all the things. They are meant to slow you down. You are not supposed to drop your speed to 1.78 mph.

Ok, friends, your turn! What do you need to confess?

Want more confessions? Read more here, here, here, here, and here. Or read the whole darn archive here.