Confessions

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If you’re new around here, confessions is a time for us to all unburden ourselves of the silliness we’re feeling at the moment. I share dumb things, then you share dumb things, and we all have a better day because of it. Let’s get started!

A woman with a finger up to her mouth saying "shhhhh"

Confession 1

Some lymphatic massage disc thingy keeps popping up in my Instagram ads. It’s a woman looking in a mirror and moving it around her face and neck.

When I was younger, I had this weird quirk where I couldn’t let my knees touch when I was in the car. It gave me a full-body “icky” feeling. Watching this lymphatic massage video gives me that same feeling and I cannot explain why.

It makes me want to throw my phone across the room anytime this ad comes up. It’s so creepy! Unsubscribe.

Confession 2

There is a certain type of jerk who loves to make comments on blogs, Instagram posts, and Pinterest where they basically contradict everything you say, explain the right way to do it (their way), and then end the sentence with “but to each their own………”.

First off, you’re a tool. If you don’t like my recipe, then ignore it. If you have a better way to cook, then start a blog. But for all that is holy, stop using more than three … when you are using them in a sentence.

It’s basic 10th-grade English knowledge. Use the ellipsis properly or don’t use it at all.

Confession 3

I was out walking the other day and I kind of wish someone had gotten a video of me screaming at this chipmunk. He (I believe in my soul that female chipmunks would be smarter) was in the middle of a busy road taking only a few steps at a time.

Thankfully, there were no cars coming. But I had to keep waving my hands and yelling at it trying to get it to fully cross the street. At one point I screamed “your death will not be on my hands” as I tried chasing it across three lanes of traffic.

Confession 4

Listening to true crime podcasts means I hear A LOT of 911 calls. The wildest ones I ever hear all come from Southern states. It’s so bonkers to hear them maintain certain manners while in the middle of the worst possible moment of their lives.

Caller: Um, yes, I need some help ma’am.
911 Operator: Yes baby, how I can help you?
Caller: Yeah, I think I was stabbed in the head. I blacked out ma’am, I’m sorry I don’t have more details.
911 Operator: Stabbed in the head? Well, bless your heart. What’s your name?
Caller: Jessica
911 Operator: Ok, Miss Jessica, we’ll have someone on the way immediately.
Caller: Yes, thank you ma’am.

Confession 5

There is a car on my walking route that is always parked in the driveway and always running. I change up my walking time every day, but seriously, the car is always idling.

Sometimes someone will be sitting in the car with it running. Sometimes it’s just empty. What in the world are these people doing to keep their car idling at all hours of the day? And who is paying their gas bill?

Confession 6

We went to a kid’s birthday at Chuck E. Cheese last month and both Jack and Bennett were playing skeeball. They did well and were bragging about it for hours.

Sometimes parents keep things from their children for their own good. And one thing that my kids don’t know about me is that I’m a legit BOSS at skeeball. Their high scores are my low scores if both my arms were broken.

Seriously, don’t come for me on a skeeball court (track? lane?). I will destroy your self-esteem.

Ok, friends, your turn! What do you need to confess? Want more confessions? Read more here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Or read the whole darn archive here.