Confessions – April
If you’re new around here, confessions is a time for us to all unburden ourselves of the silliness we’re feeling at the moment. I share dumb things, then you share dumb things, and we all have a better day because of it. Let’s get started!
- I’m not sure how the idea that burping is a manly art came about, but somehow Jack seems to think it is. Here’s the thing. Jack only wishes he could burp like me. He might be in therapy in a few years with some mommy issues complaining about how great of a burper his mom is.
- I don’t understand why Daft Punk is popular. Yawn.
- As a mom and wife, I feel like 75% of my day is spent waiting for people to move out of my way or to get off my freaking feet. Seriously – GET OFF MY FEET.
- I have to say this because it has bothered me for YEARS. You know when people use grocery apps or pre-printed grocery lists and eggs are always listed under dairy? Yes, eggs are often stored near dairy but EGGS ARE NOT DAIRY. Explain to me how you milk a chicken. Like the mechanics of it. I need to know. I have chickens, so if I am missing out on some prime free-range backyard chicken milk, I need this info. Freaking ridiculous.Wait, is that how they make the Peeps-flavored coffee creamer in spring..?
5. I take off my wedding ring as soon as I get in the house because I wash my hands and put on lotion so much when I am cooking. The ring just gets in the way. I often forget it when I’m leaving the house so I tend to walk around without it quite a bit. And yet, NO ONE HITS ON ME. I’m not looking for flirting, but what the hell. I think it is because my dead eyes and bags under there scream “I’m a mom, don’t bother”.
6. My kids hands are so sticky and I don’t know why. I make them wash them often (something else for Jack to talk about in therapy?) but if they touch my phone or computer it is like they’re wiping straight yogurt on there. What in the actual hell is on their hands?
7. I don’t get Rae Dunn. You know those dishes that says something like “queen” or “coffee” or “dream”. I just don’t understand it ($30 for this?). That’s not to say I care if other people love it and collect it – great, we all need a thing! I just don’t see the appeal of it. Maybe I should create a ceramic toilet paper holder and write “butt wipe” on it. Or a kleenex box surround that says “snot rags”. I’ll be rich.
8. We make Jack fold and put away his laundry. So when I’m hanging it during the day on our clothesline (this is the awesome one I have), I still wait until the afternoon to bring it in so he has to help with the pile.
9. The phrase “I’m sorry if that offended you” or “I’m sorry if you found that offensive” is the biggest dick move of all time. It should be “I’m sorry I offended you”. Full stop.
10. Troy loves tiny house shows on Netflix. Here is what would happen if we had a tiny house. Within four days, the front page of the Seattle Times would be “exasperated mother murders her family in a tiny house because they wouldn’t get off her feet”.
11. Every single time I pee at Jack’s preschool I feel badly about myself. Because every single time I forget they have a built-in potty seat in the actual toilet seat. I sit down and assume my ass has somehow ballooned in the last week.
Alright friends, your turn!
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